"WE DON'T WANT TO FIGHT, BUT, BY JINGO, IF WE DO, ----"] * * * * * THE USEFUL CRICKETER. (_A CANDID VETERAN'S CONFESSION._) [Illustration] I am rather a "pootlesome" bat-- I seldom, indeed, make a run; But I'm rather the gainer by that, For it's bad to work hard in the sun. As a "field" I am not worth a jot, And no one expects me to be; My run is an adipose trot, My "chances" I never can see. I am never invited to bowl, And though, p'raps, this seems like a slight In the depths of my innermost soul I've a notion the Captain is right. In short, I may freely admit I am not what you'd call a great catch; But yet my initials are writ In the book against every match! For although--ay, and there is the rub-- I am forty and running to fat, I have made it all right with the Club, By presenting an Average Bat! * * * * * PRIVATE REFLECTIONS OF THE PUBLIC ORATOR AT CAMBRIDGE. (_AS RECORDED BY MR. PUNCH'S PATENT PHONOGRAPH._) Deadly business, this Latin joking. One speech is bad enough, but fifteen are absolutely crushing. Still it must be done. Shade of CICERO, befriend me! Here goes:-- "What on earth can I say about the DUKE OF EDINBURGH? Mustn't offend these blessed Royalties. Am told they never take kindly to jokes. Let me see, he served on the _Euryalus_ (query? ought I to bring in _Nisus_). Travelled a great deal--_multorum vidit et urbes_. _Mem._ Work this up. By the way, ALFRED's his name. Bring in ALFRED and the cakes. ALFRED thrashed Danes. PRINCE OF WALES married a Dane. To be worked up. Sailor-Prince: _mem._ _O navis referent, etc._ See also VIRGIL's description of storm. Prince plays fiddle. Might say that VIRGIL was poet _quem vicina Cremonæ Mantua genuit_. Did this, years ago, for old JOACHIM, but can use it again. Never mind the _væ nimium miseræ vicina Cremonæ_. Prince won't know about that. What's the best Latin for Admiral? Daughter betrothed to Crown PRINCE OF ROUMANIA. Can get in Roman legionaries. Ripping!! "NORTHBROOK's fairly easy. Oxford man. Mustn't mention he only got Second Class. Never mind, India will pull me through. Conquests of ALEXANDER, and all that sort of thing. Must look up RUDYARD KIPLING for latest tips. Dusky brothers (Query, _sub-fusci fratres?_) good Academical joke this; sure to fetch the VICE-CHANCELLOR. Pity the CHANCELLOR's so poor in Latin. "CRANBROOK next. Bother all these brooks! He's a Viscount (_Vice-Comes_ DE CRANBROOK). Lord President of Council; looks after education. That'll do it. Who's this fool that has sent a post-card asking me to say something about _Educatio libera_? _Num est tuus servus canis ut hanc rem faciat?_