QUEER QUERIES.--CURRENCY REFORM.--I see that the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER intends to "call in" light sovereigns. The sovereigns I have all seem to be tolerably heavy, so would there be any objection to my lightening them by taking some of the gold off, and keeping it? This would form a nice little "metallic reserve" for me, a thing which Mr. GOSCHEN seems to approve of. Would not an appropriate motto, to be inscribed on the new One Pound Notes, be--"_Quid, pro quo?_"--SLY-METALLIST. * * * * * [Illustration: LONDON IN VENICE.] * * * * * [Illustration] HORACE IN LONDON. TO A SKITTISH GRANDMOTHER. (_AD CHLORIN._) FORBEAR this painted show to strut Of girlish toilet, manner skittish: It may be _Fin-de-Siècle_, but It isn't British. To dance, to swell the betting rank, To rival 'ARRIET at Marlow; To try to break your husband's bank At Monte Carlo, Would ill beseem your daughter "smart;" The vulgar slang of bacchant mummers, If act you must is scarce the part For sixty summers. Let Age be decent: keep your hair Confined, if nothing else, to one dye: I'd rather see you, I declare, Like Mrs. GRUNDY! * * * * * THE PRIVATE AND THE PUBLIC. (_What it may come to._) ["If we are obliged to go into the open market for our soldiers, and compete with other employers of labour, we must bid as highly as they do, in pay, hours of work, and general conditions and comfort."--_Daily Paper on the Report of Lord Wantage's Committee._] SCENE--_A Public Place._ Sergeant KITE _and a_ Possible Recruit _in conversation._ _Sergeant Kite_ (_continuing_). Then you must remember that we are exceedingly generous in the matter of rations. _Possible Recruit_ (_pained_). _Rations_! I suppose you mean _courses_! I find that in all the large firms in London the assistants have a dinner of six courses served, with cigars and coffee to follow. I couldn't think of joining the Army unless I had the same. _Sergeant K._ (_with suppressed emotion_). If it must be so, then it must. Who's to pay the piper, _I_ don't know! The Public, I suppose. _P. R._ I should think so! Then as to drills. Really the number of these useless formalities should be largely decreased, and the hours at which they are held should be fixed with greater regard to the convenience of private soldiers. By the bye, of course I need hardly mention that I should not dream of enlisting unless it was agreed that I should never be called before 9.30 A.M. My early cup of tea and shaving-water might be brought to me at nine. _Sergeant K._ (_after an interval_). Called! Early cup of tea! Shaving- water! Oh, this is _too_ much! _P.R._ (_coolly_). Not at all, my dear Sir, not half enough. There are other points I wish to mention. For example, do you allow feather-beds? _Sergeant K._ Feather-beds!