O worthy Guildsmen! Take in hand _All_ ages and _all_ classes! Show how to hearts Good Manners' arts Supply the freest passes. Do not such terms as these of hope Your undertaking rob-- The "common people"--"lower class," "The vulgar," and "the mob"? And there's our worship of the purse; 'Gainst _it_ pray have a tilt Oh, gild our manners! But take care They are not silver-gilt! * * * * * ALL AT SEA.--The KAISER is reported to be so delighted with his visit to the Isle of Wight, that he proposes to repeat the journey next year. Fond of military display, if he goes to Hyde he will be appropriately accompanied by an escort of German Mounted Marines. * * * * * [Illustration: INTERNATIONAL AMENITIES. _Count Peter van Strubel_ (_just arrived in England, in time for Her Grace's Concert_). "ACH! TOTCHESS! HOW IS IT ZAT IN ENKLAND YOUR LATIES ARE ZOH _PEAUDIFUL_, AND YOUR CHENDLEMEN ZOH _OCKLY_?" _Her Grace._ "TO-NIGHT NEARLY ALL THE LADIES ARE ENGLISH, COUNT, AND THE GENTLEMEN ARE MOSTLY FOREIGN, AS IT HAPPENS!"] * * * * * READING THE STARS A LA MODE. (_EXTRACT FROM THE NOTE-BOOK OF THE SECRETARY OF THE EARTH AND MARS INTERCOMMUNICATION COMPANY, LIMITED._) _August_ 10, 1899.--Open this book just to jot down briefly the results of our efforts to hold a conversation with the people living in the adjacent planet. Get a better notion by this means of what we are doing than the minutes can afford. Shall leave this book as an heirloom to my successors in office. In 1892, when we were last nearest Mars (only at a distance of 35,000,000 miles or thereabouts), we came to the conclusion that the Marsians were trying to speak to us. They seemed to be making signals. With the assistance of our new telescope (six times as powerful as that of seven years ago), we made out what we took to be at first an old man waving a white hat. On more careful inspection, found that the old man was a volcano in a state of eruption. White hat evidently the smoke. Could distinctly locate the ocean. Unable to discover more, as the planet went off for another seven years' cruise. _August_ 10, 1906.--Jot down, in compliance with the wishes of my predecessor, the transactions of the Company. By the way, my new berth is a very pleasant one. Have nothing to do except every seven years, when we all have to watch Mars like anything. This time we have a first-class telescope. Fifty times as powerful as the one of seven years ago. Can count the hairs on a man's head at ten miles' distance. Mars seems quite close to us. There is a first-class hotel on one of the mountains, and apparently a very good paper, which by the way (like everything else on the planet), is red. Distinctly made out a man in a boat. Could not attract his attention. Stupid donkey! Have to wait for another seven years.