DEAR ED'TOR,--I write you a line to say I've jus' been 'sulted--grossly 'sulted--on Thames 'Bankmen'. Walkin' 'long--quite shober--sud'ly 'costed by man dressed like 'pleeceman. Said "lot bad krakters about"--took hold of my arm--wanted see me into cab. _I saw through him at once._ It was a plot! Wanted steal vabblewatch--forshately lef' watch home. Angry at not findin' watch--bundled me into cab anyhow--feel 'fects still. Whash Scolland Yard 'bout? Are spekbull citizens to be 'sulted by pleece--by me'dress-li'pleece, I mean? It's all true 'bout Lunn' bein' _most_ unsafe. Norra word' of 'xagg'ration! _Cre' 'xperto._ Thash Latin!--_Shows_ I'm spekbull. No more now! He'ache. Yours, RUM PUNCH. * * * * * Sir Gerald Portal. OF Afric's districts C. and E., 'Tis clear to any mortal, We've but to keep our Afric key, And enter by our PORTAL. * * * * * THE following mysterious advertisement is cut from the _Grantham Journal:_-- WANTED, to Purchase, a HALF-LEGGED Horse, five years old, suitable for Building work, about 16 hands.--Address, &c. Is the horse to have two legs? Not on all fours with nature? And the sixteen hands? Compensation for want of legs? Give it up! * * * * * THE NEXT ELECTION PIC-NIC. (_By Our Own Prophetic Reporter._) A FEW days since a "Grand Intellectual _Fete_" was given by the Flower League in advancement of the Patriotic Cause, in the grounds of the Duke of DITCHWATER. The Railway Companies afforded unusual facilities for securing a large gathering, and there was much enthusiasm amongst those who were present. To meet the requirements of decisions arrived at during the trial of recent Election Petitions, it was arranged that some one competent to undertake the task should introduce and explain the various distractions afforded for the entertainment of the very numerous company. Mr. A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR, Barrister, of London, kindly consented to act as lecturer, his professional engagements fortunately allowing him leisure to assume such a responsibility.