E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this file which includes the original illustrations. See 14991-h.htm or 14991-h.zip: (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/9/9/14991/14991-h/14991-h.htm) or (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/9/9/14991/14991-h.zip) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI VOL. 103 JULY 9, 1892 [Illustration: (Vol. CIII)] * * * * * SIMPLE AS A "B" "C." DEAR EX-CHANCELLOR WITH A PAST,--I am sorry to have to address you, especially as to you I owe my promotion. But matters are coming to a crisis, and the Fatherland is suffering from your indiscretions. You are making a great mistake--you are, indeed. Now, I ask you, what would you do under the following circumstances? Supposing you were in my position, what would you do if your predecessor held you up to ridicule, spoilt all your favourite diplomatic plans, insulted your employer, and made himself generally disagreeable all round? You must know, my good Prince, that you are sowing dissension in every direction. You are embroiling us with Russia, and running the chance of a war with France. Moreover, you are breaking the very laws you made for the solitary purpose of meeting the case you have raised yourself! So now, with every kindly recollection of the past, tell me why I don't arrest you, why I don't put you into prison, why I don't break your power once and for ever? Yours truly, VON C----. _REPLY TO THE ABOVE._ DEAR CHANCELLOR WITHOUT A FUTURE,--I will answer you why you do not arrest me? The simple reason is that you, my dear friend, are not BISMARCK. And I am, yours truly, VON B----. * * * * * A CORRESPONDENT signing himself "ONE WHO LIVES AND LEARNS," wishes to know what is the meaning of the expression, "The Minute Gun at Sea?" We will tell him. "A Minute Gun" is, of course, a very small one. When it goes wrong, it is "at sea." No extra charge for this gun. * * * * * MEM.--You can't expect much from the Speakers at a Convention, where the Speeches must be Conventional. * * * * * "HARPY THOUGHT!"--Mr. JOHN THOMAS's Grand Harp Concert. * * * * * A WILDE IDEA. OR, MORE INJUSTICE TO IRELAND! [Illustration] The licence for the production of his French Play of _Salome_, accepted by SARAH B., having been refused by the Saxon Licenser of Plays, The O'SCAR, dreams of becoming a French Citizen, but doesn't quite "see himself," at the beginning of his career, as a conscript in the French Army, and so, to adapt the Gilbertian lines, probably-- "In spite of great temptation To French na-tu-ra-li-sa-tion, He'll remain an Irishman!" * * * * * MY PUGGY!