I am Ever-Green myself as is your own dear Emerald Land, And that is why the Green Isle's case I've learned to understand. 'Tis the most disthressful country, yours, that ever yet was seen; But _I'll_ right ye. Twig my glasses, dear! I'm Wearing of the Green!] * * * * * THE LAST TRAIN. It will fade from mortal vision, So the fashion-plates ordain; Worthy subject of derision, Not the mail, but female, train! It has goaded men to mutter Words unhappily profane, Trailed in ball-room or in gutter, Whether cheap or first-class train. Far and wide, on floor and paving, Spread the dress to catch the swain; Sometimes long--in distance waving; Sometimes wide--a "broad-gauge train." It has dragged a long existence Through the dust, the mud, the rain, Great is feminine persistence, She would never lose the train. Booby-traps were beaten hollow, Hapless man stepped back in vain, Knowing what a trip would follow If he only caught the train! Oh, the anguish that it gave us, Quite unnecessary pain! WORTH, not WESTINGHOUSE, will save us, And at last will stop the train! * * * * * MRS. R., hearing her Nephew say that he had been discussing some "Two-year-old Stakes" with a friend, observed that she was afraid they must have been dreadfully tough, adding, after consideration, "Perhaps they were frozen meat." * * * * * [Illustration: AN EXCITING TIME. POOR JONES IS CONVINCED THAT HIS WORST FEARS ARE AT LAST REALISED, AND HE _IS_ LEFT ALONE WITH A _DANGEROUS LUNATIC_!! (IT WAS ONLY LITTLE WOBBLES RUNNING ANXIOUSLY OVER THE POINTS OF HIS COMING SPEECH TO THE ELECTORS OF PLUMPWELL-ON-TYME!!)] * * * * * THE CANDIDATE'S COMPLETE LETTER-WRITER. (_In Answer to a Sweep asking for a F.O. Clerkship._) MY DEAR MR. ----, Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to secure for your interesting son a Clerkship in the Foreign Office. The fact that he has a distaste for the profession to which you belong would be no disqualification. I agree with you that chimney-sweeping is better than diplomacy. However, if he won't help you it can't be helped. I am exceptionally busy just now, but please repeat the purport of your letter after the Election. Who knows I may not be in a better position then than now to assist you, Yours sincerely, SOPHT SAWDER. (_In Answer to a Letter about meeting a Duchess._) MY DEAR MADAM, Yes, I have the honour of the Duchess's acquaintance. As you say, Her Grace's "at homes" are charming, but of course they are not equal to her dinners. I shall be only too pleased if I can bring about a meeting with the Duchess. I am exceptionally busy just now, but please repeat the purport of your letter after the Election. Who knows I may not be in a better position then than now to assist you. Yours sincerely, SOPHT SAWDER.