"But when they prate of you and me, As the two gifts _they_ want, Say Classic lore and Cookery Are things for which _they_ pant; Believe me, my dear Heptarchy, They plumb profoundest Cant!" * * * * * SEA-SIDE ILLS. (_BY OUR MAN OVER-BORED._) SEA-SIDYLL--THE PIER BAND. [Illustration] 'Tis the Band of the Corporation-- And it plays on that body's pier; And one knows by the way That the instruments play, That the talent is not too dear. And the trombone is not too clear; When it has to play quick It is moistful and thick, For the trombone is fond of beer-- It is nurtured on pots of beer. 'Tis the Band of the Corporation-- And the cornet is fat just here; And he's short, and bull-necked. When you come to reflect How he wastes all his wind, 'tis queer That the man should be stout just here! But the noise of the throat In the solos denote That the cornet is fond of beer-- It's been brought up on pots of beer. 'Tis the Band of the Corporation-- And I know why that Band is queer, For I see in the face Of the trombone a trace Of the blackguard who blows it near Me in Town, at most times of year! And I mark, too, the face Of that beastly big-bass-- (Which has also been reared on beer)-- And I know, too, the face Of that other disgrace, The fat cornet! They've come down here-- They've been borrowed, and lent new gear! But I know them of old, And in spite of the gold Round the hats, with the peaks just here, I can see who they are while near. They wear bowlers in Town, And frock-coats which are brown, On account of their age--or beer! For they play to the public for beer; For they stand and they blow On the kerb in a row, And then go to the public for beer! And so this is the Band down here! * * * * * "THREE CHOIRS FESTIVAL."--Curious coincidence, if true, that when Miss JESSIE KING was charmingly giving the contralto song, "_While my Watch I'm Keeping_," a gentleman in the crowded audience suddenly put his hand to his waistcoat-pocket and exclaimed, "Good gracious! it's gone!" He will never forget the title of that song. The watch was off its guard. * * * * * NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.