Produced by Matt Whittaker, Juliet Sutherland and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 104. February 4, 1893. [Illustration: WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST. _Burglar_ (_taking the ground heavily_). "NAOW, 'OOEVER'D 'A' THOUGHT O' THE HOWNER O' THAT THERE HINNERCENT LITTLE VILLA BEIN' A PERFESSIONAL 'CHUCKER-HOUT'?!!!"] * * * * * LAMENT OF THE (WOULD-BE) IRISH EMIGRANT. (_Latest Version, with apologies to Lady Dufferin._) [Senator CHANDLER, in _The North-American Review_, recommends that immigration into the United States should be suspended, at least for a year.] Oi'm sittin' on the stile, MARY, an' lookin' o'er the tide, An' by jabers Oi'm afraid, Aroon, that there Oi'll _have_ to bide! The grass is springin' fresh an' green in Ould Oireland, but oh moy! If there's any green in JONATHAN'S land, _it is not in his oi_! The States are awful changed, MARY; it is not _now_ as _then_, When they lifted a free latch-string to all exiled Oirishmen. Now we miss the whoop ov welcome; they suggest it's loike our cheek, And Oi'm listenin' for brave LOWELL'S words--which CHANDLER does _not_ speak! It seems to me their Aigle for full Freedom no more pants, And the Senator, he mutthers ov "degraded immigrants." Says they can't "assimilate" us; faix, the wurrud sounds monstrous foine, But Oi fancy that it's maning is, "We mane to draw the loine!" Shure, we're "ignorant and debased," dear; and the poor won't now find friends Even in free Columbia! So 'tis thus the ould boast ends! "Stop 'em--for a year," says CHANDLER; "we'll be holding our Big Show, An' poverty, an'--well, Cholera, are not wanted _thin_, you know." It's an artful move, my MARY, but, it stroikes me, a bit thin, And it won't come home consolin', to "the poor ov Adam's kin." Faix! they won't stop 'cabin passengers,' big-wigs, an' British Peerage, But--_they don't want the poor devils that crowd over in the steerage_! So Oi'm sittin' on the stile, MARY, and there Oi'll loikely sthop, For they don't require poor PADDY in their big new CHANDLER'S Shop. Uncle SAM'S some punkins, MARY, but he's not a great green goose; An' he's goin' to sthop a braggin' ov that latch-string always loose! * * * * * MIXED NOTIONS--NO. IV. EGYPT. _Two_ Well-Informed Men, _an_ Inquirer, _and an_ Average Man, _in suburban morning train to London_. _First Well-Informed Man_ (_reading his paper_). Oh, I say, dash it, this'll never do. Here's this young KHEDIVE of Egypt kicking up a shine, and dismissing British Ministers. We can't have that, you know. _Inquirer._ What Ministers has he dismissed? _First W. I. M._ Why, British Ministers,--at least (_reading on_) I mean Egyptian Ministers; that's to say, chaps whom we appointed.