_Amandum, amandi_--As wives they come handy. _Amando, amandum_--But we don't understand 'em. _Amandum, amando_--Their novels are grand, oh! _Amatum, amatu_--Cries male critic, "I'll slate you!" _Amor, amaris, amatur_--Woman goes like thunder when a starter! _Amamur, amamini, amantur_--And she swears she'll lick us in a canter! _Amemur, amemini, amentur_--And 'twill take us all our time to prevent her! * * * * * THE NEWEST HUMOUR. ["The atmospheric envelope of the Globe is at present in a baccilophil humour."--_Professor_ PETTENKOFER _on Microbes, quoted by_ JAMES PAYN.] [Illustration] Is that the humour o 't, O learned Nym? Well, these be days of mad and morbid whim, When would-be wits strain wildly at a joke As an o'erladen ox against the yoke. But "a baccilophil humour"!--in the air! Science does love the unlearned soul to scare, But what does this thing mean? With fear to fill us? Can aught thus love and cherish the Bacillus? O "atmospheric envelope" _thy_ humour Is worse than--Blank's--if we may trust this rumour. Since microbe "humour" fills both air and earth, Farewell to honest fun and wholesome mirth! Adieu to genial DICKENS, gentle HOOD! Hail to the peddling pessimistic brood Whose "nimini-pimimi" mouths, too small by half To stretch themselves to a Homeric laugh, Mince, in a mirror, to the "Paphian Mimp!" MOMUS is dead, and e'en that tricksy imp Preposterous _Puck_ hath too much native grit To take the taste of OSRICK turned a wit. Humour baccilophil, microbic merriment, Might suit him better. He will try the experiment. His mirth's a smirk and not a paroxysm; "Papa, potatoes, poultry, prunes and prism" Do not disturb the "plie" of his prim lips, Neither do cynic quirks and querulous quips. Mirth would guffaw--when hearts and mouths were bigger, OSRICK would shrink from aught beyond a snigger, Such as is stirred by screeds of far-fetched whim. Ay! that's the humour o't, sententious Nym. Let's hail a dying century's latest birth,-- The Newest Humour--purged from taint of Mirth! * * * * * MRS. RAM'S practical knowledge of French is not marvellous. She was discussing the question as to whether the French Working-classes cared for malt liquor as brewed in England. The excellent Lady observed--"I don't think so, because, if I remember rightly, when I was in Paris, I was told always to give the coachman money for drink, and this they called 'poor beer.' So they couldn't care for 'strong ale,' such as ours." * * * * * NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.