Who dubs the actors boorish hinds? Who fault with all the scenery finds? Who with disgust his molars grinds? The Deadhead. Who spreads dissatisfaction wide 'Mongst those who else with all they spied Had been extremely satisfied? The Deadhead. Who runs us down for many a day, And keeps no end of folks away That else would for admittance pay? The Deadhead. Who keeps his reputation still, For recompensing good with ill With more than Pandemonium's skill? The Deadhead. Who makes the bankrupt's doleful doom In all its blackness o'er me loom? Who'll bring my grey head to the tomb? The Deadhead. * * * * * "THE WAY THEY HAVE IN THE NAVY." (_Adapted to the Requirements of the Army._) "There was no doubt about it," queried the Quartermaster to the Adjutant, "the Chief certainly desired me to execute him?" "That is unquestionably my impression," replied the Adjutant. "Yes, and it never does to question his orders," continued the Quartermaster; "it makes him so wild if he fancies that you are disobeying his commands." "Quite so," admitted the Adjutant; "and so the best thing is to carry them out. As you know, obedience is 'the first law of a soldier.'" "Still, to shoot a man for nothing, does seem a _little_ hard." "How do we know it's for nothing? You may be sure the Chief has his own reasons for everything." And so the two warriors walked to the barrack square and sent for the unfortunate Private THOMAS ATKINS. As the order was conveyed to the quarters of the rank and file, men lounged out of the mess-room, and discussed the Colonel's orders. It seemed "a bit strange," but it was not for them to dispute the chief's command. And, as they spoke, Private THOMAS ATKINS was produced. He had a clean defaulter's sheet. "On my word, I really trust that there may be some mistake," said a Brigade-Surgeon-Lieutenant-Colonel M.D. "But, as I am not now attached to the battalion, I have no right to interfere." Private THOMAS ATKINS was marched to a wall, ordered to right-about turn, and then (under the command of the Quartermaster) shot. Then the civil power, in the person of a police-constable, thought it time to interfere, and arrested the officer immediately in command. "Dear me!" exclaimed the Colonel, subsequently; "how exceedingly absurd! I wanted the Quartermaster to give him a new suit, and he thought I asked him to shoot him! You fellows really ought to be more careful!" But nothing could be done, because the matter had passed into the hands of the civil power. And, all things taken into consideration, it was just as well that they had. * * * * * THE BALLAD OF DEPARTED PIPPINS. (_Some Way after Villon and Rossetti._) [Illustration]