_Would-be Reporter (smiling)._ Well, I believe I am up to the standard required by the Institute of Journalists. My classics are fairly good, but I do not know as much as I should of mixed mathematics. However, I took a double first at Oxford; but then I had a particularly easy year. All the men against me were practically duffers. _Ed. (slightly interested)._ Do you know anything of modern languages? _W.-be Rep._ Well, yes. I can speak and write European in all its branches, including Swedish and Norwegian _patois_, and the _argot_ used on the borders of Turkey and Greece. I am fairly well up in Chinese, but have only a general idea of the grammar of Afghanistan. But I may add that I am spending four hours a day in completing this part of my training. _Ed._ I think you said that you have passed in engineering, orchestra-playing, astronomy, naval and military tactics, and the history of the world, and the other components of the planetary system? _W.-be Rep._ Certainly; I have in every way (save that I have still to pass in Roman Law) satisfied the requirements of the Institute of Journalists. I am all but qualified for the reception of an Associate's degree. _Ed. (with a view to closing the interview)._ Very well, then; we shall be glad to use anything you may be good enough to send us--of course, at the customary rate. _W.-be Rep. (gratefully)._ A thousand thanks. I know; three-half-pence a line, with a minimum of three shillings. _Ed._ Precisely. (_Taking up his pen._) And now, as my Sub-editor told me that there was a fire somewhere in the neighbourhood, you had better look after it. _W.-be Rep._ Thank you so much. But as I have forgotten to bring my reporter's-book, perhaps you will kindly lend me some copy-paper? _Ed._ Certainly; you will find some in that corner. (_He approaches speaking-tube, to which he has been summoned by a whistle._) Ah! You need not trouble after the fire, for I find we have already received a report from someone on the spot. _W.-be Rep. (in a tone of disappointment)._ What a bore! just as I was going to report it myself! However, better luck next time. _Ed. (courteously)._ I hope so; good morning. (_Exit_ Would-be Reporter.) What a nuisance these fellows are! Highly educated, of course, and all that sort of thing; but I am not sure that the rough-and-ready school was not the better. _W.-be Rep. (re-entering hurriedly)._ My good Sir! Fancy! the man who has sent you the report of the local fire was educated at a small grammar-school, and never even entered a university! _Ed._ Well, what of that? _W.-be Rep. (surprised)._ You surely won't use his copy? _Ed. (decisively)._ I surely shall. First come, first served. And now you must allow me. (_Returns to his work, to the surprise and disgust of_ Would-be Reporter. _Curtain._) * * * * * "PIECE AND WAR!" AT DRURY LANE.