Alas! We haven't mastered the transplanetic code; Your canals are yet a riddle, in vain your fires have glowed! Still, do not let your efforts each August-tide abate-- You furnish us with "copy," which maintains the Fourth Estate! * * * * * DISTINGUISHED VISITORS TO BOURNEMOUTH.--The Royal Bath Hotel announces "Private Suites." Is "General Bitters" there also? *** EDUCATIONAL MOTTO. (_For Mr. Acland's use._)--"A place for every child, and every child in its place." * * * * * [Illustration: ON A CERTAIN CONDESCENSION IN FOREIGNERS. _He._ "OH, YOU'RE FROM AMERICA, ARE YOU? PEOPLE OFTEN SAY TO ME, 'DON'T YOU DISLIKE AMERICANS?' BUT I ALWAYS SAY 'I BELIEVE THERE ARE SOME VERY NICE ONES AMONG THEM.'" _She._ "AH, I DARE SAY THERE _may_ BE TWO OR THREE NICE PEOPLE AMONGST SIXTY MILLIONS!"] * * * * * "MOWING THEM DOWN!" ["He (Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT) confessed that he was not enamoured of these exceptional measures, and he resorted to them with extreme regret. But if he were asked for a justification of this motion, he would refer hon. gentlemen to the Order Book of the House of Commons."] _Gunner_ HARCOURT, _loquitur_:-- Exceptional measures I hate, I'd rather not always be battling; The good old "Brown Bess" I prefer, I confess, To a new (Parliamentary) Gatling. To fight in the old-fashioned way, Good temperedly, fairly, politely, Is more to my mind; but these fellows, I find, Will not _let_ a leader be knightly. If BALFOUR would only fight fair; And impose that condition on BARTLEY; If JOE would not ravage and shriek like a savage; Did TOMMY talk less, and less tartly; Were GOSCHEN less eager for scalps, And kept a tight rein upon HANBURY; Why then 'twere all right; we'd soon get through our fight And hatred in love's flowing can bury. But no, they're like Soudanese blacks, All fury and wild ugly rushes. They shriek and they shock, and they hack and they hock, Till chivalry shudders and blushes. And so the machine-gun, I find, Is just the one thing _will_ arrest 'em. They've quite lost their head, but a fair _rain_ of lead Played on them will try 'em and test 'em! _Whir-r-r-r!_ GEORGE! how it's mowing them down, Their Advance-guard,--"Amendments" they dub them! They swarm thick and thicker. The handle turns quicker! 'Tis dreadful; but then we _must_ drub them. As COURTNEY so gallantly said, 'Tis "deplorable"; troubles _me_ sorely. But if ARTHUR and JOE _won't_ make terms, why, you know, They really can't blame me and MORLEY! * * * * * AIRS RESUMPTIVE. II.--THE LINKS OF LOVE.