_Antwerp_--if you are not tired of Exhibitions. _Boulogne_--if you don't mind the mud of the port. _Cologne_--if you are not particular about the comfort of your nose. _Dieppe_--if you like bathing in the foreign fashion. _Etretat_--if solitude has commanding charms. _Florence_--if you are partial to 100° in the shade. _Genoa_--if you have no objection to mosquitoes. _Heidelberg_--if you are not tired of the everlasting castle. _Interlacken_--if the Jungfrau has the advantage of novelty. _Java_--if you wish to eat its jelly on the spot. _Kandahar_--if you are not afraid of Afghan treachery. _Lyons_--if you are fond of riots and _émeutes_. _Marseilles_--if you are determined to do the Château D'If. _Naples_--if you are anxious to perform an ante-mortem duty. _Ouchy_--if you like it better than Lausanne. _Paris_--if you have not been there for at least a fortnight. _Quebec_--if you are qualifying for admission to a lunatic asylum. _Rome_--if you have never had the local fever and want to try it. _Strasbourg_--if you are hard up for an appropriate destination. _Turin_--if it is the only town you have not seen in Italy. _Uig_--if you affect the Isle of Skye in a thunder-storm. _Venice_--if you scorn stings and evil odours. _Wiesbaden_--if you can enjoy scenery minus gambling. _Yokohama_--if you are willing to risk assault and battery. _Zurich_--if you can think of no other place to visit. [Illustration] N.B.--The above places are where to go on the keep-moving-tourist plan. But when you want to know "WHERE TO STAY,"--we reply, "AT HOME." * * * * * THE INCONVENIENCED TRAVELLER'S PHRASE-BOOK. (_To be Translated as Required._) Why have you thrown my boxes down with such violence that their contents have become distributed on the platform? Why is it necessary to strike me on the head with a stick because I am taking my proper place at the ticket-office? Why have you refused to give me change for a sovereign, minus the eighteenpence you have the right to charge for my fare? Why do you close the door of communication when I offer a remonstrance? Why can I not obtain redress upon complaint to the station-master? Why am I chased off the premises by a private policeman when I am anxious to catch the next train? Why is my luggage being placarded with places that certainly do not correspond with my desired destination? Why can I not have my tea cool enough to drink? and why I am hurried out of the refreshment-room before I can discuss my bread and butter? [Illustration] Why must I pay half-a-crown for comestibles valued on the card at less than a shilling? Why am I forced into a carriage already overcrowded with aged females, sickly children, and snarling spaniels? Why can I not have a seat, considering I have paid the full fare, and amply tipped the guard? Why can I not have a window open, considering that the glass stands at ninety in the shade?