But, in real life, such chances are extremely hard to find. They disregard the model, too, you've carefully designed, For if a foe--a burglar, say--you venture to attack, The disagreeable scoundrel's rather apt to hit you back. But here's a way--it's safer far, as you will soon confess,-- To have your courage recognised and praised in an Address; It's a sort of learned skittles, and the method of it's plain-- You gravely set a dummy up, and knock it down again. Just get a friend to postulate that TENNYSON'S a sham, That MARTIN TUPPER wrote the whole of _In Memoriam_, Or else, that ROBERT BROWNING'S greatest work was _Nancy Lee_, And then--_you prove your friend is wrong_--and there you are, you see. They'll give you testimonials, many speakers will allude In tones of deep emotion to "a nation's gratitude"; So if you sigh for glory, I can recommend the game, For literary ninepins is a speedy path to fame! * * * * * NEW HONOURS. Last week Solicitor-General FRANK LOCKWOOD, Q.C., M.P., was knighted. So was the High Sheriff of Surrey, Mr. FRED WIGAN. Quite appropriate that Queen's Counsel LOCKWOOD should appear with Wig-an'--the gown too, of course. After this J. WEEKS SZLUMPER was made a knight, and has now another "s" added to his name. All hail, Sir SZLUMPER, or "Zir ZLUMPER!" As the ex-mayor of Richmond quitted (backwards) the Royal Presence, did a concealed choir sing a verse of the ancient ballad commencing "Slumber my darling," and for this occasion altered to "SZLUMPER my darling!" * * * * * LATEST WAR INTELLIGENCE. In the House of Commons, and elsewhere, the SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR is accustomed to have appeals made to him to assist in providing facilities for the engagement and remunerative occupation of soldiers and non-commissioned officers no longer on active service. We are glad to notice, from the subjoined advertisement, which appeared in the _Daily News_ of Thursday, that the public are themselves taking the matter in hand:-- TWO GENERALS WANTED, as Cook and Housemaid, for one lady. Light, comfortable situation. Good wages.--Apply, &c. [Illustration] The advertiser, it will be observed, flies at higher rank than that usually considered in this connection. But the situation is "light" and "comfortable," with "good wages" pertaining, and she has some right to look for applicants of superior station. We presume that on festive occasions the gallant officers would be expected to don their uniforms. Few things would be more striking than to see a general, probably wearing his war medals, sweeping the front doorstep, whilst through the kitchen window a glimpse was caught of a brother officer, in full tog, larding a pheasant. [Transcriber's Note: Inconsistent spelling and hyphenation are as in the original.]