_To Make Whelk Fritters._--Take one ripe whelk, draw and truss it until you are black in the face, tie up the forequarter with chickweed, sit down, and smoke a pipe; parboil anything you like for a few hours, or don't, if you don't care to; rub the _purée_ through a tammy (I don't know what this is); flavour with elbow-grease, egg-_faisandé_, mud-salad, and _bêtes noire_; dredge the gallimaufrey, and hold your nose; write some letters; the _vol-au-vent_ will then explode; wrap the pieces in an old sock, and bury for six weeks; take the 2.13 train to town, and have your hair cut, or pay some calls; then start again with another whelk, and proceed as before; but it is better to buy the fritters ready-made." Is not this a lesson in devotion and perseverance? Rejoice greatly, and work out your sybaritic salvation. And now that you have food for pious reflection, after a space you shall, to your exceeding great advantage, be further instructed in the liturgy of the Winkle. [Illustration: "ALL IS NOT GOLD," &c. _Gentleman (in waiting for his Wife, at "Great Annual Sale," to Head of Department)._ "YOU MUST DO AN ENORMOUS BUSINESS ON DAYS LIKE THIS." _Head of Department._ "NOT SO MUCH AS YOU MIGHT FANCY. THE GREAT MAJORITY OF THE PEOPLE HERE TO-DAY ARE _SHOPPING_--NOT BUYING!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE WORST OF HAVING "A DAY." _Edith._ "HERE COME THOSE DREADFUL BORES, THE BRONDESBURY-BROWNS! HOW _TACTLESS_ OF THEM, TO COME AND SEE US ON THE ONLY DAY IN THE WEEK WE'RE _AT HOME_!"] * * * * * "NOBODY LOOKING!" ["We will not evacuate Madagascar ... we will pursue the advantages we have gained ... Madagascar will become a flourishing French Colony. (_Cheers._) ... Our freedom of action is complete. There can be no foreign interference."--_M. Hanotaux on the French Expedition to Madagascar._] _Lupus, on the prowl, loquitur:_--