If the dactyls and the spondees should eventually pall, You can call on Miss CAESURA and conduct her to a ball. You can feed the girl on trochees, and of course you can propose, If hexameters delight you when recited through the nose. Happy days, how soon ye falter; can a Bachelor have bliss? Can a contrapuntal Bulbul woo her lover with a kiss? Can a Scotsman get protection for his philibeg and trews By dictating half a column to the _Illustrated News_? Can a Bumble-bee be cheerful if related to a Mouse Which has left its cheesy larder and been captured by a Grouse? Can a man-of-war be manly, can a gum-boil stick like glue? Can accounts be cooked with "stumers," and converted into stew? Nay, I fly from all these problems; I am fortunately deaf To the fascinating music of the careful Q. E. F., Nor can theorems allure me, never, never will I be Mathematically married to a vulgar Q. E. D. But at home I'll sit and linger by the soft September fire, While I toast my feet and rack them by particular desire. And I'll illustrate my meaning (penny coloured, twopence plain) Drawing gaily on the "Note Book" of my old friend JIMMY PAYN. * * * * * MAD AS A HATTER.--The _Drapery World_ says that "the New Woman's hat" is much like the Ordinary Man's "topper," only a little smaller, and a little more cheeky. The phrase might fitly be transferred to the "New Woman" herself. She looks _so_ much like an ordinary man, only a little smaller and a little more cheeky. By the way, is there _much_ difference between "the New Woman's hat" and the woman's new hat? The query would make a good one for a French Exercise Book. * * * * * Wheel and Whoa! The popular wheel, so the French doctors say, Is the worst enemy of the popular _weal_. Academies of science scarce will stay The devastations of the steed of steel. The scorcher will deride as a bad joke Attempts in his wild wheel to put a spoke * * * * * INSTRUMENT FOR AN ANTI-BIRMINGHAM BAND.--The Ban-Joe. * * * * * [Illustration: A YOUNG CYNIC. _Dorothy._ "I WONDER WHY MEN TAKE THEIR HATS OFF IN CHURCH, AND WOMEN DON'T!" _Michael._ "OH, DOROTHY, JUST THINK OF ALL THE LOOKING-GLASSES THERE'D HAVE TO BE IN EVERY PEW!"] * * * * * THE YOUNG PRETENDER. ["Immediately after the death of his father, the Duke of ORLEANS addressed the following telegram to all the Sovereign Princes of Europe:-- 'A SA MAJESTÉ, &c.--J'ai la douleur de faire part à Votre Majesté de la mort de mon père PHILIPPE, Comte de Paris, pieusement décédé à Stowe House le huit Septembre. PHILIPPE.'