PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI Volume 108, February 16th, 1895. _edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ THE NON-CAPITALIST'S VADE MECUM. _Question._ Having no cash you wish to make a living. Kindly tell me the objections to sweeping a crossing? _Answer._ A small sum of money would be necessary to purchase a broom--a preliminary step that could not be surmounted. _Q._ Quite so. And would a like difficulty arise to prevent you selling lucifers? _A._ Certainly, for matches suitable for street hawking cannot be obtained on credit. _Q._ Would a clerkship be within your reach? _A._ Scarcely, as a new suit, or a nearly new suit of clothes would be requisite to give one the air of respectability necessary for securing an audience with an employer. _Q._ Could you not become a company promoter? _A._ Not with safety, now that the winding-up business is superintended by a judge capable of understanding the intricacies of city finance. _Q._ Is there any opening for you as a cab-driver? _A._ No, as a license cannot be obtained for love, but must be bought with money. _Q._ Surely you have a chance as a slave to journalism? _A._ Writing for the press is at all times precarious, and is, moreover, a calling which cannot be followed without a small but impossible expenditure on pens, ink. and paper. _Q._ Has not life sometimes been supported by the successful attempts to borrow from one's friends? _A._ Yes, but this financial condition will have been enjoyed and abandoned before one can truthfully style oneself an ex-capitalist. _Q._ The sale of information of an interesting character to those concerned has sometimes--has it not--been found of a profitable nature? _A._ Occasionally, but this again is not only an unpleasant but a dangerous operation, and if resisted, may end with an entirely embarrassing prosecution at the Old Bailey. _Q._ Then having no cash, no credit, and no references, what career is open to you? _A._ But one--to become the responsible manager of a theatrical company touring in the provinces. * * * * * "TEMPORA MUTANTUR."--In these days of very late dining hours a performance at 5 P.M., if over at 7, or 7.15 at latest, ought to suit those whose daily work is over about 4 or 4.30, and who dislike "turning out" after dinner if they are at home, and who cannot get away from any dinner party if they are out in time to see even half of the entertainment. The _matinée_ at two is a very difficult time, as it clashes with lunch; but as tea can be taken in the _entr'actes_, five o'clock seems a very reasonable hour, that is, if the show be over at 7.15, and the dinner hour be 8 or 8.15. * * * * * [Illustration: TRUE DIGNITY. _Barbara._ "OH, MOTHER DEAR, I'VE GOT SUCH A PAIN!" _Mother._ "HAVE YOU, DARLING? WHERE?" _Barbara._ "IN THE PROPER PLACE, OF COURSE!"] * * * * * HINTS TO SKATERS ON ETIQUETTE AND DEPORTMENT.