Mr. SHORTER's own paper is called, more modestly, _The Sphere_. * * * * * [Illustration: THE FUTURE OF BRITISH BOXING. _Rough_ (_to policeman who has knocked him down_). "WELL, IT'S WORF IT. TO ME BELONGS THE CREDIT OF 'AVIN' DISCOVERED A BLOOMIN' WHITE 'OPE."] * * * * * [Illustration: GETTING USED TO THE "SMILING EXPRESSION." OUR SUGGESTION FOR A SYSTEM OF ADVANCED PHYSICAL TRAINING FOR PRUSSIAN OFFICERS BEFORE TAKING UP COMMANDS IN THE ALSATIAN DISTRICT, WHERE THE POPULACE IS SAID TO BE ADDICTED TO HUMOUR.] * * * * * OLD FRIENDS. I was in the train because I had to go to Birmingham; I was in the dining car because I had to dine. With all respect to the Company I cannot pretend that I regarded myself as doing anything remarkable or distinguished. The little man opposite me, however, felt differently. I have since been told that they of Birmingham are very proud of their non-stop train service by both routes. "This, Sir," said the stranger, as I lowered my paper to help myself to a proffered roll--"this is one of the Two-Hour trains." "You don't say," said I politely but not encouragingly. "Two hours," he repeated impressively. "Indeed? Two whole hours and not a moment less?" and I returned to my paper pending the soup's arrival. "Is it not wonderful," he resumed when I was at his mercy again, "to be travelling at sixty miles an hour and eating soup at the same time?" "Some people eat soup," said I, "and some drink it. For myself, I give it a miss;" and I returned to the news. With the fish: "I came up by the breakfast train this morning," said he, "and I now return by the dining train." He meant by this to give credit to the Company rather than to himself, but even so it seemed to fall short of the complete ideal. There was something wanting. It was luncheon, of course. "They run luncheon cars too," said he. "Then there seems to be no reason why you should ever leave the train at all," I remarked, seeking refuge again in my paper. In spite, however, of my coldness, he continued to assail me with similar facts every time I emerged. Finally he took a sheet of slightly soiled paper and pencilled on it a schedule of our movements. It ran:-- Mileage. Place. Time. -- Euston 6.55 P.M. 5½ Willesden [7.4] " 17½ Watford [7.18] " 46¾ Bletchley [7.50] " 82¼ Rugby [8.24] " 94¼ Coventry [8.36] " 113 Birmingham 8.55 " "To give this the very careful consideration it deserves," said I, "I must be left absolutely to myself."