[Illustration: _Harold_ (_who has just been kissed by his sister_). "I SAY, I WONDER WHAT SHE'S UP TO?" _Friend_. "SIGN OF AFFECTION, ISN'T IT?" _Harold_. "_AFFECTION_, YOU GOAT! SHE NEVER DOES THAT TILL THE LAST DAY OF THE HOLS, AND THERE'S A WEEK TO GO YET."] * * * * * "The play was preceded by 'The £12 Hook,' another Barrie comedy of more recent date."--_Sydney Morning Herald_. We should prefer to call it "The £12 Eye." * * * * * "LABOUR IN SOUTH AFRICA. BLACK OUTLOOK." _Morning Post_. Let us hear both sides. What is the White Outlook? * * * * * "The grievance of the men is in regard to the rate of pay. They are paid 5½d. per hair."--_Glasgow News_. And then when they are old and bald they have to starve. * * * * * "TANGO RAPIDLY DYING. DANCE UPHELD BY MR. MAX PEMBERTON." _Daily Chronicle_. This is the sort of thing that the Revue King has to put up with. Truly the lot of royalty is not an enviable one. * * * * * From an advertisement of Tango matinées in _The Lyceum_:-- "RESERVED TAUTENILS (4 first rows) 10/-- TAUTENILS (tea included) 7/6 TAUTENILS (tea not included) 6/--" _Gourmet_ (_planking down his seven-and-six_). "Tea and tautenils, please." * * * * * Seen on a Liverpool hoarding:-- "Quo Vadis: Whither goest thou in eight reels?" _Answer_. "Anywhere in reason, but not home." * * * * * IN THE GARDEN OF ALLAH. Weary of the struggle and the squalors Which beset the politician's life-- Work that for a modicum of dollars Brings a whole infinity of strife-- Three of England's most illustrious cronies Started on a winter holiday, With no thought of MURRAY or Marconis-- GEORGE and HENRY and the great TAY PAY. Never since ÆNEAS and his raiders Stayed with DIDO in the days of yore Did such irresistible invaders Land upon the Carthaginian shore. GEORGE, of course, the largest crowds attended, But I'm told the kind Algerians say That ÆNEAS wasn't half so splendid Or so pious as the good TAY PAY. Noble sheikhs and black and bearded Bashas Bowed, whene'er they met them, to the ground; Festas and fantasias and tamashas Followed in a never-ending round. GEORGE no more on his detractors brooded; HENRY simply sang the livelong day; While unmixed benevolence exuded From the loving heart of kind TAY PAY. Side by side they read the works of HICHENS; Hand in hand they sampled the bazaars; Ate the sweetmeats cooked in native kitchens; Flew about in sumptuous motor-cars; Golfed where once great HANNIBAL was scheming; Joked where luckless DIDO once held sway; For the finest jokes were always streaming From the lips of comical TAY PAY.