PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 146. January 21, 1914. [Illustration: "NOT VERY SPORTING LINKS, ARE THEY?" EVEN EARTHQUAKES HAVE THEIR USE. "AH, THAT'LL MAKE BETTER GOLF."] * * * * * CHARIVARIA. MAJOR-GENERAL LEONARD WOOD, chief of the U.S.A. General Staff, has reported that the American Army is, practically speaking, unarmed, and advises the immediate expenditure of £1,200,000 for artillery and ammunition. We fancy, however, that the present state of affairs is the result of a compromise with the American Peace party, who will not object to their country having an army so long as it is unarmed. *** "VICTORY FOR THE ORANGE WOMEN. DRURY LANE INSTITUTION TO CONTINUE." This should put heart into the Orange Men of Ulster. *** We hear that, to celebrate the recent glorious victory in Alsace, the little town of Zabern is to be re-named Säbeln. *** The Rev. N. FITZPATRICK, describing a visit to the Balkan States in a lecture at the Camera Club, spoke of the difficulties he had with his laundry. The same bundle of clothes was soaked in Roumania, rough-dried in Bulgaria, and ironed in Servia. We are astonished that the lecturer should have made no mention of mangling, which we understand is done well in the Balkan States. *** The KAISER, we are told, has given instructions that his _menus_ are in future to be written in German. What, by the way, _is_ the French for _Sauerkraut_? *** Mr. ARCHIBALD, a member of the Australian House of Representatives, has calculated that the value of the property of the five million inhabitants of the Commonwealth is £780,000,000. We cannot but think it is a mistake to divulge the fact with so many dishonest people about. *** _I do like your eyes_ is the latest bright thought for a Revue title. To be followed, no doubt, by _Her nose isn't bad, is it?_ and _What's wrong with her toes?_ *** "FRENCH BATTLESHIP DROPPED." _Pall Mall Gazette_. Very careless of someone. *** Reading that one of the features of the new British battleship class will be less draught, Aunt Caroline remarked that she was glad to hear this: she had always understood that during even half a gale it was very easy to catch cold at sea. *** Sir RUFUS ISAACS has decided to take the title of Lord READING. This still leaves it open to a distinguished literary man, should he be made a peer, to become Lord Writing. *** The age of pleasure! Where will it stop? Extract from _The Witney Gazette_:--"On Monday evening a very successful dance was given in the Corn Exchange ... The company numbered over one hundred, and dancing to the strains of Taylor's Oxford Scarlet Band was enjoyed till the early hours of Wednesday morning." ***