It's true I've managed to draw the line At going to tango teas, For, after all, I am fifty-nine And a trifle stiff in the knees; But I've had to give up billiards for "slosh," And pay laborious homage to "squash." Long since my whiskers I had to shave To please this young barbarian, But still for a while I stealthily clave To the use of Pommade Hungarian; But now my tyrant has made me snip The glory and pride of my upper lip. "My dear old man," he recently said, "If you go on waxing the ends, You're bound to be cut, direct and dead, By all of my nuttiest friends. For it's only done, so _The Mail_ discovers, By Labour leaders and taxi-shovers." So the deed was done, but whenever I gaze On my face in the glass I moan As I think of the mid-Victorian days When my upper lip was my own. For now, of length and of breadth bereft, The ghost of a tooth-brush is all that's left. * * * * * "MISSING NAVY PAYMASTER ARRESTED." _"Evening Standard" Poster._ So that's where it was all the time! * * * * * "The Under-sheriff said ... rumours against a man's character were like a rolling stone, gathering moss as it went."--_Western Mail_. "As fond of the fire as a burnt child," is another of the Under Sheriff's favourite sayings. * * * * * [Illustration: _Indulgent Householder_. "WHY ARE YOU SINGING CAROLS, MY LITTLE MAN? DON'T YOU KNOW CHRISTMAS IS OVER?" _Youthful Caroller_. "YES, SIR; BUT I 'AD MEASLES ALL FROO CHRISTMAS."] * * * * * ONCE UPON A TIME. GLAMOUR. Once upon a time there was a peer who knew the frailty of unennobled man. Having occasion to entertain at dinner a number of useful follows, he instructed his butler to transfer the labels from a number of empty bottles of champagne to an equal number of magnums of dry ginger-ale, at ten shillings the dozen, and these were placed on the table. At the beginning of the repast his lordship casually drew attention to the wine which he was giving his guests, and asked for their candid opinion of it, as he was aware that they were all good judges, who knew a good thing when they saw it, and he would value their opinion. And they one and all said it was an excellent champagne, and two or three made a note of it in their pocket-books. And such was their loyal enthusiasm that the banquet ended in a fine glow of something exactly like hilarity. * * * * * AT THE PLAY. "MARY-GIRL."