"Only last week I went to ask how he was, and the doctor said there was no change, but that he was quite harmless. I was shown into a little room where he lived, and there I saw him on the floor talking and laughing to himself. But he took no notice of me when I spoke to him. They told me he was quite happy and would spend hours a day like that at his work." "What sort of work?" asked Henry. "The last time I saw poor Pilning," I replied sadly, "he was squatting on the carpet and trying to jab the pattern out with a fork." * * * * * It is reported that owing to the overproduction of mittens and the consequent slump in this article, one London firm of manufacturers has no fewer than 100,000 pairs on its hands. * * * * * [Illustration: _Vicar._ "NOW, CHILDREN, WE ARE TO LOVE OUR ENEMIES. THAT ISN'T EASY, IS IT?" _Small Boy._ "NO, SIR." _Vicar._ "WELL, HOW ARE WE TO DO IT?" (_Dead silence._) _Vicar._ "YES, WE MUST LOVE EVEN THE GERMANS. HOW ARE WE TO DO THAT?" _Small Boy._ "BY GIVING 'EM WOT'S GOOD FOR 'EM, SIR."] * * * * * THE LANGUAGE OF WAR. (_Being a selection from answers to a General Knowledge paper._) A _kukri_ is a suit which our soldiers wear. _Kukri_ is pastry-making. _Kukri_ is a place where the Germans' food is boiled. _Uhlan_ is a short name for the Willesden Uhlan District Council. A _Censor_ is swung about to incense people. _Przemysl_ is an acid. A _levy_ is when a man dies his wife gets some money to bery him. _Levy_ is a man who gets money for the German army. _Howitzer_ is a smell that comes out of a shell when fired. * * * * * "One of the famous but least visited lakes of Sicily is Guarda, with its southern end in the plains of Italy, and its northern far into Austrian territory." _East Anglian Daily Times._ We should describe "Guarda" briefly as "some lake." * * * * * [Illustration: THE WHITEWASHERS. KAISER. "LAY IT ON, MY WORTHY PROFESSORS--LAY IT ON THICK! I WANT EVERY DROP OF IT."] * * * * * [Illustration: THE OPPORTUNIST IN THE THAMES VALLEY. MR. CRABBE AUGMENTS HIS STOCK-IN-TRADE.] * * * * * A TERRITORIAL IN INDIA. I. My dear _Mr. Punch_,--We take special pride in the fact that we were the very first Territorials ever to land in India. As our battalion swung through the streets of Bombay before the critical eyes of the assembled natives, this knowledge enabled us to preserve an air of dignity despite the rakish angle of our unaccustomed topees. When you first march at attention with a rifle and a very large helmet you discover that the only possible position for the latter is well over the right ear. Later on you realise that this is a mistake, like most of the discoveries made during the first few days' residence in India.