So we have decided on Thursday, April 15th. Starting at 1.30 (because we want to pay for as much bully beef and jam as possible), for eleven seconds we shall support alone the British Empire.... And, when those fateful moments are over, then we shall raise a glass in gratitude to the men who have served us so well. * * * * * Oh, you lucky millionaires, who may be gods, perhaps, for half-an-hour--have you filled in your income-tax forms? If not, fill them in properly this time. Leave out no quarry, no alum mine, no stream of water. Who knows? That salt spring which you were forgetting may well be the deciding second of the war. A. A. M. * * * * * DÎNER DU KAISER. LE MENU. Consommé Chiffon de Papier. Purée Barbare. Anguilles de la Marne. Bulletins Variés. Sauce Crème de Menteur. Petites Vérités à la Dentiste. MOI en Dégringolade. Ôtages Fusillés à la Croix d'Enfer. Langue de Boche à la Kultur. Suprême de Dégoût Américain. Incendies à l'Amour de Dieu. Bombe Visée à la Cathédrale. Saucissons Cent Soucis. Amendes en Milliards. * * * * * DÎNER DU GÉNÉRAL JOFFRE. LE MENU. Consommé aux Gueux Pochés. Purée de Renforts. Filets de Sol Natal. Sauce Balayage. Petites Tranchées à la Baïonnette. Soixante-Quinze en Surprise. Aloyau Français à la Loyauté. Concours Anglais à la French. Timbales de Progrès à la Rongeur. Obus en Autobus. Silences Assortis de Journalistes en Bandeau. Piou-Pious en Bonbonnière. Accueil de Glace aux Correspondants. * * * * * [Illustration: NASAL SCOUTING. THE MIDDLESEX COUNTY COUNCIL IS REPORTED TO HAVE SENT HALF A TON OF PEPPERMINT DROPS TO THE SOLDIERS OF THE MIDDLESEX REGIMENT AT THE FRONT AS A CHRISTMAS GIFT. THE ENEMY IS HERE SEEN ADAPTING HIMSELF TO THESE NOVEL CONDITIONS.] * * * * * FROM THE BACK OF THE FRONT. _Somewhere in ----._ Active service is like oratory in that one of its biggest ideas is action. Being ostensibly on active service ourselves we felt we ought to see a little before going home; and now we have. We make no boast about it. Like the simple English soldiers we are we merely state the fact for what it is worth. You ask, you who lead the sheltered life, what we felt like under fire; how you swim from one trench to another; what we ate and drank; and what a bayonet charge is really like. Let me answer your questions one by one.