"But I go to the bookie, who laugh and pay me one tausend pound. He did not care; he make ten tausend from the many fools who back German Sausage. So I write one last letter to STEINHAUER and say, '_Schweinkopf_ yourself! Stew in your own _Sauerkraut_!' He get another spy to denounce me, but I find the police have opened all my letters, and they laugh in my face. But the superintendent say, 'Much obliged, Herr Fritz! Thanks to you, I also make my _bitchen_ on Mutton Chop. When you get another dead snip, pass it on.'" Then I ordered Fritz another English beer, and gave him an introduction to my own tailor. * * * * * [Illustration: THE HARDSHIPS OF HOME. _Young Officer_ (_back from the trenches, on ninety-six hours' leave_). "UGH! THIS IS HORRIBLE--HAVING TO TAKE ALL YOUR CLOTHES OFF AND GET BETWEEN COLD SHEETS!"] * * * * * CHARIVARIA. Germany, it is stated, has promised to pay Turkey a fifth of the war indemnity, when she gets it. This looks as if she didn't expect to win. * * * At last, we hear, the enemy has found a song which is becoming as popular as "It's a long way to Tipperary." We refer to "Stop your nibbling, JOFFRE." * * * The Sultan of TURKEY is reported to be suffering from a severe heart attack, and the KAISER, it is said, has written to him telling him not to be nervous, and pointing out how soon he himself recovered after his heart had bled for Louvain. * * * "There is no room in Germany to-day for soft-hearted humanitarians," says _Die Post_. We had not suspected that the Fatherland was inconveniently crowded with this type. * * * The production of _King Albert's Book_ is said to have caused many pangs of jealousy to the KAISER. He must, however, have patience. His army's achievements in Belgium are now being investigated, and _Kaiser Wilhelm's Book_ will appear in due course, and should also cause a sensation. * * * The Turkish Army despatched "to deliver Egypt" has begun its march to the Suez Canal, but the Egyptians remain calm, being convinced that there is no real danger of their being delivered. * * * Discontent with their Government's inaction increases among the Italians day by day, and the Tiber has risen. * * * The report that the EMPEROR FRANCIS JOSEPH is seriously ill is denied. As a matter of fact our information is to the effect that His Majesty has not yet been told about the War, as it was feared that it might worry the old gentleman. * * * On Christmas Eve a bomb was planted by an enemy aeroplane in a Dover garden. This must be a case of intensive culture. * * * The Crown Prince of GERMANY is reported to have sent a special emissary to this country in order to report whether _The New Clown_ at the New Theatre is, as he suspects, a disrespectful attack on His Royal Highness. * * *