When MOSES fought with AMALEK in days of long ago, And slew him for the glory of the Lord, 'Is longest range artill'ry was an arrow and a bow, And 'is small arms was a barrel-lid and sword; But to-day 'e would 'ave done 'em in with gas, Or blowed 'em up with just a mine or so, Then broken up their ranks by advancing with 'is tanks, And started 'ome to draw his D.S.O. When ST. GEORGE 'e went a-ridin' all naked through the lands-- You can see 'im on the back of 'arf-a-quid-- 'E spiked the fiery dragon with a spear in both 'is 'ands, But to-day, if 'e 'd to do what then he did, 'E 'd roll up easy in an armoured car, 'E 'd loose off a little Lewis gun, Then 'e 'd 'oist the scaly dragon upon a G.S. wagon And cart 'im 'ome to show the job was done. Then there weren't no airyplanes and there weren't no bombs and guns; You just biffed the opposition on the 'ead. If the world could take all weapons from the British and the 'Uns, Could scrap the steel, the copper and the lead; If we fought it out with pick-'andles and fists, If the good old times would only come agin, When there weren't no dirty trenches with their rats and lice and stenches, Why, a month 'ud see us whoopin' through Berlin! * * * * * SPOOP. A REPERTORY DRAMA IN ONE ACT. ["A repertory play is one that is unlikely to be repeated."--_Old Saying_.] CHARACTERS. _John Bullyum, J.P._ (Member of the Town Council of Mudslush). _Mrs. Bullyum_ (his wife). _Janet_ (their daughter). _David_ (their son). SCENE.--_The living-room of a smallish house in the dullest street of a provincial suburb._ [_N.B.--This merely means that practically any scenery will do, provided the wall-paper is sufficiently hideous. Furnish with the scourings of the property-room--a great convenience for Sunday evening productions._] _The room contains rather less than the usual allowance of doors and windows, thus demonstrating a fine contempt for stage traditions. An electric-light, disguised within a mid-Victorian gas-globe, occupies a conspicuous position on one wall. You will see why presently. When the curtain rises_ Janet, _an awkward girl of any age over thirty_ (_and made up to look it_) _is seated before the fire knitting. Her mother, also knitting, faces her. The appearance of the elder woman contains a very careful suggestion of the nearest this kind of play ever gets to low-comedy._ _Janet_ (_glancing at clock on mantelpiece_). It's close on nine. David is late again. _Mrs. B._ He's aye late these nights. 'Tis the lectures at the Institute that keeps him. [_N.B.--Naturally both women speak with a pronounced accent, South Lancashire if possible. Failing that, anything sufficiently unlike ordinary English will serve._ _Janet_. He's that anxious to get on, is David.