"_To Messrs. Promises & Brake_, says the business man,--_Gentlemen comma the pipes at my house were not properly mended by your man yesterday comma and there is still a leakage comma which is causing both damage and inconvenience full stop Please let me have comma in reply to this comma an assurance that someone shall be sent round at once dash in a taxi comma if necessary full stop. If such an assurance cannot be given comma I shall call in another firm and refuse to pay your account full stop. Since the new trouble is due to your employee's own negligence comma I look to you to give this job priority over all others full stop. My messenger waits full stop. I am comma yours faithfully comma._ Let me have it at once and tell the boy to get a taxi." II. None of the plumbers sent any men. * * * * * [Illustration: THE BROTHERS TINGO, WHO ARE EXEMPTED FROM MILITARY SERVICE, DO THEIR BIT BY HELPING TO TRAIN LADIES WHO ARE GOING ON THE LAND.] * * * * * "In some courts the carrying of matches has been regarded as a light offence, but this will not be the case in future."--_Irish Times._ We note the implied rebuke to the jester on the Bench. * * * * * SONGS OF FOOD-PRODUCTION. II. Mustard-and-Cress in Mayfair, Belgravia's Winter Greens; None so nicely as _they_ fare Save Cox's Kidney Beans; Mustard-and-Cress in boxes, Greens in the jardiniere, And a trellis of Beans at Cox's, Facing Trafalgar Square. Lady Biffington's daughters Are mulching the Greens with Clay; Lady Smiffington waters The Mustard-and-Cress all day; And Cox's cashiers (those oners!) Are feeling extremely rash, For they're pinching the tips of the Runners As they never would pinch your cash. Mighty is Mayfair's Mustard, The Cress is hardy and hale; Belgravia's housemaids dust hard To keep the dust from the Kale; But Cox's cashiers look solemn, For their Beans (which sell by the sack) Would cover the Nelson Column If they didn't keep pinching them back. * * * * * "WEATHER AT HEALTH RESORTS. Temp. Sunshine. Max. Min. Weather. Felixstowe 0.0 22 29 Some snow." _Morning Paper._ And some thermometer. * * * * * PETHERTON'S DONKEY; OR, PATRIOTISM AND PUBLICITY. I hadn't had a letter-writing bout with Petherton for some time, and, feeling in need of a little relaxation, I seized the opportunity afforded by Petherton's installing a very noisy donkey in his paddock adjoining my garden, and wrote to him as follows:-- DEAR MR. PETHERTON,--I do not like making complaints against a neighbour, as you know, but the new tenant of your field does not seem to argue a good selection on your part, unless his braying has a more soothing effect on you than it has on me.