"Hark!" said Francesca. "Yes," I said, "another egg has come into the world, and there's Frederick rushing round like a mad thing with a basket, to find himself once more too late. Never mind," I said, "I can have two boiled eggs to-night with my chop,--I mean cutlet." "No," she said. "Yes," I said, "and you can have all the rissoles." R.C.L. * * * * * ON PROMOTION TO FIELD RANK. I remember a day when I felt quite tall Because of a gift of five whole shillings; I was Johnson major then, I recall, And didn't I swank and put on frillings! Well, we know that children are parents of men; And, now that I'm getting an ancient stager, Here am I pleased with a crown again, And signing myself as Johnson, Major. * * * * * "Experienced General disengaged 1st March, one lady; no washing; would take England."--_Irish Times_. The advertiser should wire to KAISER, Potsdam. * * * * * "During the night an enemy raiding party in the neighbourhood of Gueudecourt was driven off by our baggage before reaching our line."--_Continental Daily Mail_. There is no end to our warlike inventions. First the Tanks, and now the Trunks. * * * * * "The Tigris, immediately above Kut, runs South-East for about four miles. Then there is a sharp bend, and its course is almost due South for about the same distance. Then against the stream it goes due North for about the same distance."--_Glasgow Citizen_. With the river behaving in this unnatural fashion General MAUDE deserves all the greater credit for his success. * * * * * [Illustration: _She_ (_referring to host_). "YOU KNOW, THERE'S SOMETHING RATHER NICE ABOUT MR. THOMKINS-SMITH." _He._ "YES--I THINK IT MUST BE HIS WIFE."] * * * * * OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. (_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)