For you will get no other, though you ask it; No peace on diplomatic folios writ, Like what you chucked in your waste-treaty-basket, Torn into fragments, bit by little bit; In these rude times we shrink From vain expenditure of pulp and ink. You hoped to start a further scrap of paper And stretched a flattering paw in soft appeal, Purring as hard as tiger-cats at play purr With velvet padding round your claws of steel; A pretty piece of acting, But, ere we treat, those claws'll want extracting. You thought that you had just to moot the question And say you felt the closing hour had come And we should simply jump at your suggestion And all the Hague with overtures would hum; You'd but to call her up, And Peace would follow like a well-bred pup. But Peace and War are twain (see _Chadband's_ platitude); War you could summon by your single self, But Peace--for she adopts a stickier attitude-- Takes two to mobilise her off the shelf; Unless one side's so weak That, try his best, he cannot raise a squeak. When things are thus and you have had your beating, We'll talk and you can listen. Better cheer I've none to offer you by way of greeting, But this should help you through the glad New Year; It lacks for grace, I own, But let its true sincerity atone! O.S. * * * * * AN EXTRA SPECIAL. A special constable is allowed to bore his beat-partner in moderation. I have no doubt that I bore mine. In return I expect to be moderately bored. In fact a partner who flashed through all the four hours might attract Zeppelins. But Granby! In human endurance there is a point known as the limit. That is Granby. Years back some Government person in a moment of fatuity made Granby a magistrate. Magistrates should learn to condense their wisdom into sentences. Granby beats out his limited store into orations. It was my misfortune to arrive late at the station the other night and to find that the other specials had craftily left Granby to be my partner. The results of unpunctuality are sometimes hideous. Directly we had started our lonely patrol Granby gave what I may describe as his "bench" cough and began, "When I was at the court the other day a very curious case came before me." He was off. If Granby delivers to prisoners in the dock the speeches he recites to me the Government ought to intervene. No man however guilty ought to have a sentence _and_ one of Granby's orations. He might be given the option. Personally, for anything under fourteen days I should be tempted to serve the sentence. Just when he was at his dreariest I heard a remarkable treble voice down a side-street singing, "Keep the Home Fires Burning." "Sounds like a drunk," I said promptly; "we ought to investigate this." Had it been a couple of armed burglars I should have welcomed their advent if it stopped Granby.