SIR,--Could anything be more deplorable than the spectacle, which every hour of the day and night affords, of young and vigorous men made up to look like grandfathers. I am told that the theatrical costumiers and perruquiers are worn to a shadow by the overwork which these contemptible shirkers have subjected them to, and I call on you to use your powerful influence to stop it. I am credibly informed that if a courageous investigator visiting those funkholes, the clubs of London, were to snatch at the bald scalps so much in evidence there, he would in nine cases out of ten find that they came away in his hand, revealing the chevelure of the youthful and fit but craven. At any rate the experiment should be tried. I shall, of course, be told that the Tribunals are active and vigilant and their net so tightly drawn that no one can get through; but we all know what bunglers the English authorities are, whether at the War Office or elsewhere. It is only in newspaper offices that true efficiency can be found. I enclose my card and am, Yours faithfully, "WAR-WINNER." Analysis of above--Reasons for thinking it perfect--Importance of compliment to editors--Estimate of its probable result. * * * * * [Illustration: THE FOOD CONTROLLER ADDS A NEW TERROR TO MATRIMONY.] * * * * * Extremes. "He spent 233 years in the 6th Dragoon Guards (Carbineers) and commanded that famous regiment in the Boer War."--_Evening Telegraph_ (_Dundee_). "Sergeant ----, who is 2 years of age, is married, and has two children."--_Same Paper, same date._ * * * * * "Mr. S.J. Rodrigo, Vidane Aratchy of Kotahena, who was bitten by a made bog on Sunday, left for Coonoor last evening by the Talaimannar train for treatment."--_Ceylon Independent._ But why make bogs if they are so dangerous? * * * * * From a shoemaker's advertisement: "ROUGH BOYS WELL LEATHERED."--_High River Times_ (_Alberta, Canada_). The good old slipper has not outlived its usefulness. * * * * * "To all anonymous correspondents who have recently written to me I have the honour to reply that they are all blackguards."--_Advt. in Ceylon Paper._ Though we ourselves should have waived this honour we are in full sympathy with the writer. * * * * * [Illustration: "OH! DO WEAR YOUR KHAKI TIE, DAD, OR ELSE NO ONE WILL KNOW YOU'RE A SOLDIER."] * * * * * TRAVEL WITHOUT TRAINS. (_Suggested by some recent remarks in "The Observer" on eccentric place names._) Now that the rise in railway fares (At which no patriot cavils) Has chained us elders to our chairs And circumscribed our travels, I love to play the festive game Of astral gravitation To any neighbourhood whose name Is fraught with fascination.