Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online Distributed Proofreading Team PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 152. March 28th, 1917. [Illustration: _Torpedoed mine-sweeper_ (_to his pal_). "AS I WAS A-SAYIN', BOB, WHEN WE WAS INTERRUPTED, IT'S MY BELIEF AS 'OW THE SUBMARINE BLOKES AIN'T ON 'ARF AS RISKY A JOB AS THE BOYS IN THE AIRY-O-PLANES."] * * * * * CHARIVARIA. Charged at Kingston with being an absentee from military service, a man of retiring habits stated that he did not know the country was at war. When told that we were fighting the Germans he was greatly interested. *** The Hamburg hotel-keepers have decided to abolish the practice of charging more for food in cases where wine or beer are not consumed. The reason given--that there was no wine or beer to be consumed--is so trivial that a deeper motive may well be suspected. *** "That is how we lawyers live, because lay-men have such queer ideas," said Judge CLUER in a recent case. Nevertheless, the view that lawyers shouldn't be allowed to live is not without its ardent supporters. *** _The Manchester Guardian_ has issued an "Empire number." It is pleasant to know that all differences between the Empire and our contemporary, due to the former's ill-advised participation in the War, have been satisfactorily adjusted. *** Events have happened so swiftly of late that up to the time of going to press a contemporary had not decided who should be "_The Man who Dined with the Tsar_." *** Virginia-creepers are recommended by a contemporary as a "tasty vegetable." In one large house where the experiment was tried they were pronounced to be quite all right on the second floor, but rather tough in the basement. *** The businesses of Southgate men called to the colours are being conducted by a committee. Small sons of those absent fathers are going very warily until they have ascertained exactly how far the powers of the committee extend. *** Writing on the German retreat Major MORAHT says: "Only a personality like that of Marshal von Hindenburg could give proofs of so great an initiative." Possibly he has never heard of the Dukes of York and Plaza Toro. *** A boy of eleven charged with the theft of clothes is said to have stolen the notebook of the policeman who arrested him. His first idea was to pinch his captor's whistle, but he rejected this plan on finding that the policeman was attached to it. *** Russian soldiers under the new _regime_ will be allowed to smoke in the streets, travel inside trains, visit clubs and attend political meetings. There is a very strong rumour that they will also be allowed to go on fighting. ***