_Commander (as the black he has tried to pot threatens to touch the port cushion)._ "LIST HER TO STARBOARD!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE "DAMNED SPOT."] * * * * * [Illustration: "YOU OUGHT REALLY TO MANAGE TO GET BLOWN TO BITS SOMEHOW, NOBBY. YOU'D MAKE A CHAMPION JIG-SAW PUZZLE."] * * * * * [Illustration: "HEY, DONAL'! HERE'S A WEE BETTLESHIP COMIN' ALONG." "OCH! A WISH IT MICHT BE A U-BOAT."] * * * * * [Illustration: _Old Lady._ "PARDON ME! I SUPPOSE YOU'VE JUST COME FROM THE SEA. CAN YOU TELL ME WHY I'VE HAD TO PAY A PENNY MORE FOR SCALLOPS TO-DAY?"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Landlord._ "WHATEVER DID YOU LET THE FIRE OUT FOR? WHY DIDN'T YOU PUT SOME COALS ON?" _Stoker._ "NOT LIKELY! I'M ON LEAVE, I AM."] * * * * * [Illustration: _Friend._ "SEE YOU'RE IN A HURRY. WON'T KEEP YOU. OFF TO ADMIRALTY, I SUPPOSE?" _Sub-Lieutenant H.M.S. "Unbendable."_ "NOT EXACTLY. FACT IS I'M DUE AT MME. GIROUETTE'S ACADEMY. STRUCK AGAINST A COUPLE OF NEW STEPS IN THE FOX TROT AT THE PILKINGTONS' LAST NIGHT--RATHER WORRIED ME. BYE-BYE. MUST SHOVE OFF!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Apologetic Golfer._ "I SHOUTED 'FORE!' YOU KNOW." _Sailor._ "WELL, YOU'VE HIT ME AFT!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Tar (by way of opening the conversation)._ "AHEM! BEEN OUT IN THE LIFEBOAT OFTEN, MISS?"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Jones (who in going through his wardrobe has unearthed a memento of happier days at Margate)._ "WELL, IF THEY SHOULD CALL UP THE FORTY-FIVES, I THINK IT WILL HAVE TO BE THE NAVY."] * * * * * [Illustration: _The Artist (impatiently)._ "FOR GOODNESS' SAKE PUT SOME EXPRESSION INTO IT! JUST IMAGINE YOU'VE COME THROUGH A TERRIBLE EXPERIENCE--SHIP TORPEDOED--YOU SOLE SURVIVOR. AFTER CLINGING TO A BELAYING-PIN NINETEEN HOURS IN THE OPEN SEA YOU ARE RESCUED AT THE LAST GASP. YOU ARE NOW RELATING YOUR ADVENTURES TO YOUR AGED PARENTS." _Model (obligingly)._ "THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR--I CAN MANAGE IT. BUT EXCUSE ME. DID YOU SAY EIGHTEEN HOURS, OR WAS IT NINETEEN?"] * * * * * [Illustration: _King Alfred (founder of the Navy)._ "MADAM, I WAS EXPERIMENTING ON BISCUITS FOR MY SEA-DOGS."] * * * * * "LET HER GO!" A TRAMP CHANTEY. 'Er keel was laid in 'seventy-four (Let 'er go--let 'er go); They built 'er cheap an' they scamped 'er sore, 'Er rivets was putty, 'er plates was poor, And then come in the PLIMSOLL line Or I wouldn't be singin' this song o' mine. (Let 'er go!)