the surface, since he turns out to be a devotee of sun-baths and the simple life. In reply to a cablegram to America, Sir HERBERT BEERBOHM TREE sends the following message:--"Am busy rehearsing _He Stoops to Cinema; or, The Mistakes of a Knight_." * * * * * [Illustration: UNPLEASANT NIGHTMARE OF HANS, THE EX-CINEMA ATTENDANT, AFTER LEARNING OF THE AMERICAN DECLARATION OF WAR.] * * * * * FOOD CONTROL. There is no truth in the rumour that there is to be a "sauceless" day for our Post-Office employees. * * * * * "The Craven Stakes of 500 sobs."--_Evening News_ (_Portsmouth_). Horse-racing in war-time _is_ rather a sorry business. * * * * * "A lady giving up her electromobile, on account of the war, which is in good running order...."--_Pall Mall Gazette._ We are glad to have this confirmation of reports from General Headquarters. * * * * * [Illustration: _Skinner._ "WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT THE RATIONING?" _Podmore._ "OH, WHEN MEALTIME COMES I TIGHTEN MY BELT." _Skinner._ "FROM THE OUTSIDE OR THE INSIDE?"] * * * * * FROM A FULL HEART. In days of peace my fellow-men Rightly regarded me as more like A Bishop than a Major-Gen., And nothing since has made me warlike; But when this age-long struggle ends And I have seen the Allies dish up The goose of HINDENBURG--oh, friends! I shall out-bish the mildest Bishop. _When the War is over and the KAISER's out of print,_ _I'm going to buy some tortoises and watch the beggars sprint;_ _When the War is over and the sword at last we sheathe,_ _I'm going to keep a jelly-fish and listen to it breathe._ I never really longed for gore, And any taste for red corpuscles That lingered with me left before The German troops had entered Brussels. In early days the Colonel's "'Shun!" Froze me; and, as the War grew older, The noise of someone else's gun Left me considerably colder. _When the War is over and the battle has been won,_ _I'm going to buy a barnacle and take it for a run;_ _When the War is over and the German Fleet we sink,_ _I'm going to keep a silk-worm's egg and listen to it think._ The Captains and the Kings depart-- It may be so, but not lieutenants; Dawn after weary dawn I start The never-ending round of penance; One rock amid the welter stands On which my gaze is fixed intently-- An after-life in quiet lands Lived very lazily and gently.