To praise each spasm of ruthlessness that passes Down cringing HOLLWEG'S compromising spine, Boost the pretensions of the ruling classes And hail the Hohenzollerns as divine, And never hesitate to tell the masses They are and will continue to be swine:-- These are my task. And there are compensations About the job that field-grey heroes lack. Although, e.g., there is a dearth of rations, I'm not the one that goes without his whack; Nor do the bayonets of inferior nations Send nervous chills down my retreating back. Yet sometimes in the small and early watches I think, "Good Lord! suppose the U-boats fail! Or our Colossus of the purple blotches Should let the Allies get him by the tail! Suppose this war is one of Deutschland's botches, And Right, not Might, should happen to prevail!" There'd be a revolution; nought could stop it. Not that I'd weep if WILHELM had to go; But what if Holy Junkerdom should cop it? That would be most unfortunate--and, oh! Supposing Count REVENTLOW had to hop it, Kultur would never rally from the blow. ALGOL. * * * * * ROYAL ACADEMY DEPRESSIONS.--II. [Illustration: "COME ALONG, YOU LITTLE IMP! I'LL LEARN YOU TO MAKE FUN OF MY TROUSERS."] [Illustration: THE ETERNAL FEMININE. "THAT'LL DO; DON'T TROUBLE ABOUT YOUR HAIR--WE'RE NOT LIKELY TO MEET ANYONE." "OH, I CAN'T GO LIKE THIS; ONE NEVER KNOWS WHEN A SUBMARINE MAY BOB UP."] [Illustration: THE FOOD SHORTAGE. ARRIVAL OF THE MINT-SAUCE BOAT.] [Illustration: _Figure on the Seat._ "HE CALLS THIS 'THE GARDEN OF MEMORIES,' BUT HE NEARLY FORGOT _ME_."] [Illustration: UNHAPPY RESULT OF A TOO GENEROUS FRUIT DIET.] [Illustration: NATIONAL ECONOMY. "NOW THEN, MY LADS, KEEP YOUR HEADS DOWN OR WE'LL HAVE THE FRAME CONTROLLER AFTER US."] * * * * * [Illustration: _Second-Lieutenant Spooner_ (_unnerved by presence of a General inspecting_). "THE COMPANY WILL MOVE TO THE FIGHT IN ROARS. FORM--ROARS! FIGHT!"] * * * * * ZERO. ("_Zero-hour_"--_commonly known as "Zero"_--_is the hour fixed for the opening of an Infantry attack._) I woke at dawn and flung the window wide. Behind the hedge the lazy river ran; The dusky barges idled down the tide; In the laburnum-tree the birds began; And it was May and half the world in flower; I saw the sun creep over an Eastward brow, And thought, "It may be, this is Zero-hour; Somewhere the lads are 'going over' now." Somewhere the guns speak sudden on the height And build for miles their battlement of fire; Somewhere the men that shivered all the night Peer anxious forth and scramble through the wire, Swarm slowly out to where the Maxims bark, And green and red the panic rockets rise; And Hell is loosed, and shyly sings a lark, And the red sun climbs sadly up the skies.