["The only way to make domestic service popular is for a duchess to become a tweeny-maid."--_Evening Paper_.] It may be that a modern _Mene, Mene_ Will force the Duchess to become a tweeny; But, ere this democratic transformation Secures the "old nobility's" salvation, Some other changes are not less but more Needful to aid our progress in the War. For instance, with what rapture were we blest If Some-one gave his nimble tongue a rest And, turning Trappist, stanched the fearsome gush Of egotistic and thrasonic slush; Or if Lord X. eschewed his daily speeches And took to canning Californian peaches; Or if egregious LYNCH could but abstain From "ruining along the illimitable inane" At Question-time, and try to render PLATO'S _Republic_ into Erse, or grow potatoes; Or if our novelists wrote cheerful books, Instead of joining those superfluous cooks Who spoil our daily journalistic broth By lashing it into a fiery froth. Counsels of sheer perfection, you will say, In times when ev'ry mad dog has his day, Yet none the less inviting as the theme Of a millennial visionary's dream. And as for Duchesses turned tweeny-maids Or following other unobtrusive trades There's nothing very wonderful or new Or difficult to credit in the view; For DICKENS--whom I never fail to bless For solace in these days of storm and stress-- Found his best slavey in _The Marchioness_. * * * * * WHO INVENTED THE NAME "SAMMIES"? "They are 'Sammies' now, and the name probably will stick along with 'Tommy,' 'poilu' and 'Fritz.' ... The christening was one of those spontaneous affairs, coming nobody knows how."--_Kansas City Star_. Mr. Punch, ever reluctant to take credit to himself, feels nevertheless bound to say that the suggestion of the name "Sammies" for our American Allies appeared in his columns as long ago as June 13th. On page 384 of that issue (after quoting _The Daily News_ as having said, "We shall want a name for the American 'Tommies' when they come; but do not call them 'Yankees'; they none of them like it") he wrote: "As a term of distinction and endearment, Mr. Punch suggests 'Sammies'--after their uncle." * * * * * "London.-- ---- House. Bed, breakfast 4s., per week 24s. 6d. No other meals at present." This should encourage the FOOD-CONTROLLER. * * * * * [Illustration: _Transport Officer_. "CONFOUND IT, MAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DON'T TEASE THE ANIMALS!"] * * * * * OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. (_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS_.)