"Perhaps," I said, in an awed whisper, "you don't care to have anything to do with such trifling things as--er--wall-paper?" "Indeed we do," said the nobleman. "Most important things, wall-papers. Where did you want it for?" "For a room in my house, of course," I said. "Not for the garden." "Oh, not for the garden. And what sort of house is yours?" he asked. "A very nice house," I said. "I meant what was the style of the house--Jacobean, Georgian?" "Brixtonian rococo outwardly," I said, "as far as I can judge; but very snug inside. No doubt you could show us something we should like which would also satisfy your sense of propriety." "I think it might be managed," he said, waving his hand towards two or three giant books of patterns. "What we want," I said, "is something meaty." "Ah, for the dining-room," he said. "Well, it's a courtesy title," I said, "but really in these hard times we have reduced economy to such a fine art that I thought a wall-paper with body in it might help matters." "I think I catch the idea," said the marquis. "Something that would make you feel more satisfied after dinner than you otherwise would feel, as it were." "My dear Sir," I said, "you have hit it exactly. Yours is a sympathetic nature. How readily you have divined my thoughts! No doubt you too are suffering." He sighed almost audibly. "How is the room furnished?" he said. "Leading features," I said, "a Welsh dresser, rush-bottomed chairs, gate-legged table, bookcases--" "Saxe-blue carpet," said Alison. "A most important detail," Lord Bayswater said. "Don't you think something of a chintzy nature would ... etc." Both Alison and I agreed that a prescription of that kind might possibly ... etc. I don't know what is comprised under the term chintzy, but it appeared to be a comprehensive one, for the nobleman descanted on the merits of the following patterns among others:-- (1) Cockatoos on trees, cockatooing. (2) Pheasants on trees, eating blackberries. (3) Other birds on trees, doing nothing in particular. (4) Roses, in full bloom, half bloom, fading, falling. (5) Forget-me-nots in bunches, ready for sale. (6) Grapes doing whatever it is that grapes do. (7) Other flowers and fruits, also acting after the manner of their kind. Many other patterns were shown us and we spent an hour or two looking at them. Our host tried hard to push the cockatoos on to us. His idea was that the pattern would act as wallpaper and pictures combined. Alison's idea was that there would be too many portraits of cockatoos round the room, and I maintained that the wretched birds looked so realistic that I should certainly feel I ought to be giving them some food, and this would of course hardly assist my idea. The noes had it. In the end we came away with four patterns (fruits and flowers) and a promise to let Lord Bayswater know which one we preferred. One of them I chose really to show my tailor, as it was a top-hole scheme for a winter waistcoat.