"The plots cultivated by the men who have learned in the best school of all--experience--stand out clearly among the others. There is no overcrowing on their land."--_Evening News_. The truly great are always modest. * * * * * "Wanted, September and October, a comfortably Furnished House; five bedrooms, in adjoining counties."--_East Anglian Daily Times_. It sounds a little detached. * * * * * [Illustration: THE COUNTERBLAST. KAISER. "HAD A GLORIOUS TIME ON THE EASTERN FRONT." HINDENBURG. "A LITTLE LOUDER, ALL-LOUDEST. I CAN'T HEAR YOU FOR THESE CURSED BRITISH GUNS IN THE WEST."] * * * * * [Illustration: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THROWING STONES AT THOSE BOYS?" "IT'S ORL RIGHT, SIR. WE'RE LEARNIN' 'EM TO TAKE COVER FOR AIR RAIDS."] * * * * * THE MUD LARKS. Out here the telephone exists largely as a vehicle for the _jeux d'esprit_ of the Brass Lids. It is a one-way affair, working only from the inside out, for if you have a trifle of repartee to impart to the Brazen Ones the apparatus is either indefinitely engaged, or _Na poo_ (as the French say). If you are one of these bulldog lads and are determined to make the thing talk from the outside in, you had better migrate _chez_ Signals, taking your bed, blankets, beer, tobacco and the unexpired portion of next week's ration, and camp at the telephone orderly's elbow. After a day or two it will percolate through to the varlet's intelligence that you are a desperate dog in urgent need of something, and he will bestir himself, and mayhap in a further two or three days' time he will wind a crank, pull some strings, and announce that you are "on," and you will find yourself in animated conversation with an inspector of cemeteries, a jam expert at the Base, or the Dalai Lama. If you want to give back-chat to the Staff you had best take it there by hand. A friend of mine by name of Patrick once got the job of Temporary Assistant Deputy Lance Staff Captain (unpaid), and before he tumbled to the one-way idea his telephone worked both ways and gave him a lot of trouble. People were always calling _him_ up and asking _him_ questions, which of course wasn't playing the game at all. Sometimes he never got to bed before 10 P.M., answering questions; often he was up again at 9 A.M., answering more questions--and such questions! A sample. On one occasion he rang up his old battalion. One Jimmy was then Acting Assistant Vice-Adjutant. "Hello, wazzermatter?" said Jimmy. "Staff Captain speaking," said Patrick sternly. "Please furnish a return of all cooks, smoke-helmets, bombs, mules, Yukon-packs, tin bowlers, grease-traps and Plymouth Brothers you have in the field!" "Easy--beg pardon, yes, Sir," said Jimmy and hung up. Presently the phone buzzed and there was Jimmy again.