Not for the street-boy--him you had for years And, knowing, make allowance for his ways, If hoots of ignorance and stones and jeers Martyr your latter days; But for such shoddy patriots as join The street-boy's manners to a petty mind, And dealing little in true-minted coin Tender the baser kind. For instance, Smith (till lately Gründelhorn), Who meets you with your mistress all alone, And growls a "German beast" with senseless scorn In a (still) guttural tone. And Jones, who owes his mansion to the War And loves to drown great luncheons in champagne, But who, to prove he loves his England more, Strikes at you with his cane. The while Miss Podsnap, who in dogs can brook No name that smacks of Teuton, snatches up, Lest you contaminate it with a look, Her Pomeranian pup. Forgive them, Pete! We are not all well-bred, Not all so wise, so sensible as you; Not all our sires, for generations dead, To British homes were true. Yet, prizing steadfast love and fealty, some The gulf of their deficiencies may span, And learn of you the virtues that become An English gentleman. * * * * * We wish Russia wouldn't wash her dirty LENIN in public. * * * * * [Illustration: DAVID IN RHONDDALAND. DAVID. "I'M OFTEN AWAY FROM HOME. HOW DO I GET SUGAR?" THE MAD GROCER. "YOU DON'T; YOU FILL UP A FORM." DAVID. "BUT I _HAVE_ FILLED UP A FORM." THE MAD GROCER. "THEN YOU FILL UP ANOTHER FORM."] * * * * * [Illustration: _Friend_ (_to Cinema Commissionaire, who has received notice_). "I'M SERPRISED YOU'RE LEAVIN'. I THOUGHT YOU WAS A FIXTURE 'ERE." _Commissionaire._ "IS ANYBODY A FIXTURE IN THESE TIMES? LOOK AT THE TSAR OF RUSSIA, TINO, TIRPITZ, AND THE REST OF 'EM."] * * * * * MILLIE AND THE "KAYSER." Millie is a "daily help." Who it is that she helps--whether herself or her employer--I am not in a position to say, for I am only temporarily a lodger in the house where Millie helps, and she doesn't help me much. But to-day I have made her hear and understand one whole sentence. It is the first time during the six days that we have known each other that I have conveyed anything to her except by graphic gesticulation and grimace. I accepted the fact at the outset that my soft and seductive tones could never penetrate Millie's stone-deafness. Only the loudest and angriest remarks are audible to Millie, so I preserve an attitude of silent facial amiability in all my relations with her. BALAAM could not have looked more surprised than did Millie this evening when, in the act of clearing away my latest meal, she heard me say, "Leave the matches." She stopped dead and looked at me over the tray of dirty crockery. Her expression was not unfriendly.