"Young gentleman (21), good family, strong, healthy, public school, O.T.C., Varsity education, speaks English, French, Spanish perfectly, engineering training, efficient car driver and mechanic, horseman, is open to any sporting job connected with war; willing undertake any risks; no salary, but expenses paid." If the advertiser will apply to the nearest recruiting-station he will hear of something that will just suit him. * * * * * "The inhabitants of the Peak district are in a state of great alarm at the invasion of a great part of their beautiful country by what some of them describe as a plague of locusts, and yesterday considerable numbers of people visited the district where the hosts are still advancing. Many from Sheffield and Manchester alighted at Chinley, Edale, and Hope, among them some eminent etymologists, anxious to be of assistance in ridding the country of a serious menace to the field and garden crops."--_Yorkshire Paper_. It is understood that the etymologists are chiefly concerned for the roots. * * * * * [Illustration: THE NATION DEMANDS.] MR. PUNCH (_to the PRIME MINISTER_). "IF YOU _MUST_ HAVE DIRTY LINEN WASHED IN PUBLIC DURING THE WAR, FOR GOD'S SAKE, SIR, WASH IT CLEAN." * * * * * [Illustration] _Civilian model (posing for latest war picture)_. "MUS' SAY I'LL BE GLAD WHEN PEACE IS DECLARED. THIS CLEARING HUNS OUT OF TRENCHES IS FAIR TELLIN' ON ME." * * * * * THE ABSENTEE. (_Embodying divers quotations from the poems of G.K.C._) Methinks at last the time has come to speak ... Since good old Russia up and revoluted I have been waiting, week by weary week, To hear the news--the obvious item--bruited; But now I give it up; it will not come; Or anyway I can no more be dumb. Where were you, GILBERT, when the great release-- "Freedom in arms, the riding and the routing," Demos superbly potting at police, And actual swords getting an actual outing-- Came at the last, the things wherein you shone, Or let us think you'd shine in, CHESTERTON? You were not there! Damme, you were not _there_! Alas for us whose faith refused to doubt you! "All that lost riot that you did not share" Managed, somehow, to get along without you; When Russia "went to battle for the creed" GILBERT sat tight and did not even bleed! CHESTERTON! Dash it all, my dear old chap! Why, weren't you always eloquent on "Valmy," "Death and the splendour of the scarlet cap"? Here were the days you looked upon as palmy. Just think of all your poems! Why, good Lord, There is no word you work so hard as "sword."