* * * * * THE H.Q. TOUCH. Command Headquarters (who, of course, Ride us as Cockneys ride a horse-- I mean, without considering The animal; the ride's the thing) On Army Form--I cannot think Precisely which; the form was pink-- Instructed Captain So-and-so, With certain other ranks, to go And at a given hour report, With rifles, such-and-such a sort, So many rounds of S.A.A. Per man, and so much oats and hay Per horse (as specified and charged On War Establishments, enlarged, Revised and issued as amended); And here the said instruction ended, "Signed, Eustace Blank, G.S.O.3, For D.A.Q.A.M.A.G." The reason why the form was thus Truncated was--alas for us!-- That Major Blank, a hasty man, Neglected his accustomed plan And failed, in short, to P.T.O., So never told us where to go. We drafted a polite reply:-- "Your such a number, Fourth July; Instructions touching destination Requested, please, for information." And Captain So-and-So and men Donned and inspected kits. And then Command Headquarters went and wired: "The draft in question not required. When any draft is _wanted_ you Will hear _precisely_ what to do; No error ever passes through This office. You will therefore not In future tell US what is what; WE know; and WE are on the spot. The G.O.C.-in-C. is much Displeased." The old Headquarters' touch. * * * * * OUR SPOILT PETS. "Cottage, suitable for pigs and poultry."--_Birmingham Daily Mail_. * * * * * "SUSAN'S PUDDING.--This is a super-excellent pudding, and, as times go, the cost of the material used is not excessive. Required: One cup each of flour, breadcrumbs, raisins (stoned and chopped), currants (washed and dried), also a teacupful of baking powder.... If served only on occasion--a special occasion--the most scrupulously careful housewife should not be troubled by uneasy sensations."--_Bristol Times and Mirror_. We should--after a teacupful of baking powder. * * * * * [Illustration: THE BELGIAN "MENACE." KAISER. "IF I GRANT YOU MY GRACIOUS PARDON, WILL YOU PROMISE NOT TO TERRORISE ME AGAIN?" {"Belgium would be required to give a guarantee that any such menace as that which threatened Germany in 1914 would in future be excluded."--_German Foreign Secretary to Papal Nuncio at Munich_.}] * * * * * RAID JOTTINGS.