Thus goodness and loving-kindness have followed me ever since I handed in the uniform. To this day I am the subject of anxious consideration. Not a week ago the early post brought me my character. Imagine the incessant parental watchfulness of an authority which can testify concerning one two hundred and fifty thousandth of its charge that he is "a good soldier, willing and industrious, honest, sober, trustworthy and well-conducted." Think of the kindly interest which prompted the O. i/c Records to insert a form of receipt--"to guard against impersonation." My character might have got into base hands; some unworthy person might have gone about professing to possess that willingness, that industry, that sobriety, that trustworthiness and that elegance of conduct which are mine alone; but the form of receipt would baffle him. I cannot explain how, but Records knows. What is yet in store for me the future bides; but this I know: while England endures and Records continues to record, I shall not walk alone. * * * * * [Illustration: _Lady farm-help, being shown her new duties, notices fowls having dust-bath._ "DEAR ME! I EXPECT THEY'LL WANT WASHING EVERY NIGHT BEFORE I PUT THEM TO ROOST. I'D NO IDEA FOWLS WERE SUCH DIRTY THINGS."] * * * * * [Illustration: _Aunty (wishing to be sympathetic)_. "I'M GLAD TO HEAR YOU'VE GOT YOUR SEA-LEGS, JACK, AND I HOPE YOUR FRIEND IS GETTING ON EQUALLY WELL AND HAS GOT HIS TRENCH-FEET."] * * * * * PURE ENGLISH. [A writer in _The Daily Express_ has been discussing the questions where and by whom the purest English is spoken and written, and pronounces strongly in favour of East Anglia, FITZGERALD, BORROW and Mr. CONRAD.] Once more 'tis discussed What guides we should trust If we wish to write prose to perfection; Is it BORROW or "FITZ," _The Times_ or _Tit Bits_? And how should we make our selection? Once on NEWMAN and FROUDE We were bidden to brood If we aimed at distinction and purity; And, when we escaped From their influence, aped GEORGE MEREDITH'S vivid obscurity. The remarkable style Of old THOMAS CARLYLE Found many a lover and hater; And precious young men Who made play with the pen Were devoted disciples of PATER. But these idols we've burned And have latterly learned That "distinction"'s an utter delusion; For if you would aim At a popular fame You must cultivate "vim" or effusion. JOSEPH CONRAD (a Pole) Some place on the whole At the top of the tree for his diction; But his style, I opine, Is a little too fine For the average reader of fiction. If you can't be a WELLS, Or aspire to Miss DELL'S Impassioned and fervid variety, You still may attain To CHARLES GARVICE'S strain And leaven Romance with propriety.