[Illustration: _Prisoner_ (_on his dignity_). "BUT YOU VOS NOT KNOW VOT I AM. I AM A SERGEANT-MAJOR IN DER PRUSSIAN GUARD." _Tommy_. "WELL, WOT ABAHT IT? I'M A PRIVATE IN THE WEST KENTS."] * * * * * RHYMES OF THE TIMES. There was an old man with otitis Who was told it was chronic arthritis; On the sixth operation, Without hesitation They said that he died of phlebitis. A school just assembled for Prep. Were warned of an imminent Zepp, But they said, "What a lark! Now we're all in the dark So we shan't have to learn any Rep." Mr. BREX, with the forename of TWELLS, Against all the bishops rebels, And so fiercely upbraids Their remarks on air-raids That he rouses the envy of WELLS. The American miracle, FORD, By pacificists once was adored; Now their fury he raises By winning the praises Of England's great super-war-lord. * * * * * "Wanted--a Pair of Lady's Riding Boots, black or brown, size of foot 4, diam. of calf 14 inches."--_Statesman_ (_Calcutta_). Great Diana! * * * * * "WANTED--Late Model, 5-passenger McLaughlin, Hudson, Paige, or Cadillac car, in exchange for 5-crypt family de luxe section, value $1,500, in Forest Lawn, Mausoleum."--_Toronto Daily Star_. With some difficulty we refrain from reviving the old joke about the quick and the dead. * * * * * THE NEW MRS. MARKHAM. III. CONVERSATION ON CHAPTER LXX. _Mary_. Do tell us something more, Mamma, about the Great Rebellion and how it began. _Mrs. M_. Well, my dear, you must know that in the previous reign it had been the fashion for middle-aged and elderly people to behave and dress as if they were still juvenile. Mothers neglected their daughters and went to balls and theatres every night, where they were conspicuous for their extravagant attire and strange conversation. They would not allow their daughters to smoke, or, if they did, provided them with the cheapest cigarettes. Fathers of even advanced years wore knickerbocker suits on all occasions and spent most of their time playing a game called golf. This at last provoked a violent reaction, and the Great Rebellion was the consequence. Although there was no bloodshed many distressing scenes were enacted and something like a Reign of Terror prevailed for several years. _Richard_. Oh, Mamma, please go on! _Mrs. M_. Parents trembled at the sight of their children, and fathers, even when they were sixty years old, stood bareheaded before their sons and did not dare to speak without permission. Mothers never sat down in the presence of their grown-up daughters, but stood in respectful silence at the further end of the room, and were only allowed to smoke in the kitchen. _George_. That cannot have been very good for the cooking.