* * * * * [Illustration: "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? WE ARE READY FOR YOU TO BEGIN." "YES, MADAM. WE ARE JUST TUNING UP." "_TUNING UP!_ WHY, I ENGAGED YOU TWO MONTHS AGO!"] * * * * * BELLAIRS ON MAN-POWER. MR. BELLAIRS, it will be remembered, was the first to discover the possibilities of proving (by figures) the dwindling reserves of hostile man-power. His estimates, based upon pure reason, personal experience and some two tons of figures, have been carefully revised and brought to date, more especially for the benefit of those busy people who cannot take a holiday by the sea, but like to solace themselves at home with a weekly immersion in _Mud and Water_. _Germany_. Here Mr. BELLAIRS is the first to admit a slight inaccuracy in his previous calculations. Germany has now eight men, instead of four, on the Western Front. It would appear from these numbers that the enemy attaches greater importance to defending his line on this Front than on any other. _Russia_. There are five (and one in reserve) on the Russian Front. The Russian retreat is explained to be due to artfully inculcated Christian Science (made in Germany), which has persuaded the Russians to entertain the belief that they are being heavily attacked. _Austria_. Austria is reputed on her last legs (three altogether). Her one man and a boy are fighting with the nonchalance of despair to resist the Allied pressure. Good news may be expected from this Front shortly. _Bulgaria_. The warfare of attrition has never shown such excellent results as in the case of Bulgaria. Her army of trained goats is now the only barrier to the vengeance of the Serbs. _Turkey_. According to the latest report the Turkish Army has lost its rifle. It is hoped that every advantage will be taken of our momentary superior armament. _China_. As a last resort Germany is sending her remaining Hun to attack the Chinese. What they can hope to achieve by so prodigal a waste of "cannon-fodder" is difficult to see. _Rumania_. There is no news on the Rumanian Front. It is thought that there is nobody there. _Palestine_. In Palestine both sides have withdrawn their troops and the battle is proceeding without them. When one realises that against these weakening and ever decreasing forces our Allies will still have a reserve of 80,000,000 by the Spring of 1925, it is impossible to take an otherwise than optimistic view of the situation. * * * * * INTENSIVE RAINFALL. "CUMBERLAND and WESTMORELAND.--After a ten weeks' drought we have had three weeks' rain every day."--_Daily Paper_. * * * * * "Officer's camp kit wanted, in good condition, Sam Browne belt (5 ft. 7), haversack, &c."--_Scotsman_. In readiness for this hero's arrival at the Front the communication-trenches are being specially widened. * * * * * "I WISH--