We dare not guess what was the suppressed adjective that _The Daily Mail_ applied to "our officials." * * * * * [Illustration: OUR UNEMPLOYED. WAR OFFICE BRASS HAT (_to Volunteer, "A" Class_). "AND MIND YOU, IF YOU DON'T FULFIL YOUR OBLIGATIONS YOU'LL BE COURT-MARTIALLED!" MR. PUNCH. "THAT WON'T WORRY HIM. HIS TROUBLE IS THAT, WHEN HE DOES FULFIL HIS OBLIGATIONS, YOU MAKE SO LITTLE USE OF HIM."] * * * * * SUGAR CONTROL. "Good evening, Sir," said Lord RHONDDA'S minion (the man who does his dirty work), moistening his lips with a bit of pencil. "You were allocated one hundredweight of sugar for jam-making in respect of your soft fruit, I believe?" "How _did_ you guess?" I said. "I say, do tell me when the War's going to end. Just between ourselves, you know." "This being the case," he went on (evidently trying to change the subject--no War Office secrets to be got out of _him_, you notice), "I must request you to show me your fruit-trees and also your jam cupboard." "The latter," I said--for he had called just after tea--"is rather full at present, but doing nicely, thanks. As you observe, however, we think it wiser not to try to close the bottom button of the door." "Perhaps your wife--" suggested the man tentatively. "My wife does her best, of course. She often says, 'Dearest, a third pot of tea if you _like_, but I'm sure a third cup of jam wouldn't be good for you.' By the way, don't you want to see the tea-orchard too? The Cox's Orange Pekoes have done frightfully well this year--the new blend, you know; or should I say hybrid?" At this moment my wife appeared, looking particularly charming in a _mousseline de soie aux fines herbes--anglicé_, a sprigged muslin. I seized her hand and led her aside. "Lord RHONDDA'S myrmidon is upon us!" I hissed. "'Tis for your husband's life, child. Hold the minion of the law in check--attract him; fascinate him; play him that little thing on the piano--you know, 'Tum-ti-tum'--while I slope off to the secret chamber, where my ancestor lay hid before--I mean after--the Battle of Worcester. By the way, I hope it's been dusted lately? Hush! if he sees us hold secret parlance I'm lost." "Alas!" said my wife, "the secret chamber is where we keep the jam." She smiled subtly at me and then winningly at the inspector as she turned towards him. "Step this way, please," she continued. I caught the idea at once and, blessing the quick wit of woman, followed in the victim's wake, ready to close the secret panel behind him and leave him to a lingering death. My wife slid open the trap, turning with a triumphant smile as she did so, and I saw at once that the death of anyone shut up inside would be a lot more lingering than I had imagined, for the place seemed full of jam. I was surprised. "Can I be going to eat all that?" I thought; and life seemed suddenly a very beautiful thing.