"What!" I exclaimed. "Tell that to the--to the Army in general! Plum-and-apple jam, my dear Sir! And that reminds me: a jam composed of half stone and half soft fruit--how do we stand in respect to that?" "Well, Sir," said the inspector, closing his notebook grudgingly, "I don't think we need go into that. I think you've got just about the requisite amount of soft fruit for the one hundredweight of sugar which, I believe, you were allocated." "There's still the rose garden," I said, "if you're not satisfied." "Been turning that into an orchard, have you?" he asked. "Very patriotic, I'm sure." "Well, I don't know," I said. "My wife wants to make _pot-pourri_ as usual, but what I say is, in these days--and with all that sugar--it would surely be more patriotic (as you say) to make _fleurs de Nice._" "It would be more patriotic perhaps," observed Lord RHONDDA'S minion sententiously, "not to make jam at all." "Ah!" I said. "Have a glass of beer before you go." W. B. * * * * * [Illustration: UNDER THE GREENWOOD TREE. _Chorus_. "HERE SHALL HE SEE NO ENEMY BUT WINTER AND ROUGH WEATHER."] * * * * * [Illustration: _Taxi-driver (who has forced lady-driver on to the pavement)._ "NOW, THEN, IF YOU WANT TO LOOK IN THE SHOP WINDOWS WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A DAY OFF?"] * * * * * Headline in _The Yorkshire Daily Observer_:-- "KAISER'S 1904 PLOTS" No doubt there were quite as many as that, but we should like to know how our contemporary arrives at the exact number. * * * * * AN EXTRAORDINARY DAY. 1. A Staff Officer came back from the line without having had a narrow escape. 2. A General visited the line and expressed unqualified approval of everything he saw. 3. A Quartermaster-Sergeant put _all_ the contents of the rum-jar into the tea. 4. A sniper fired at a Hun and reported a miss. 5. A bombing-party threw bombs into a sap without reporting "shrieks and groans were heard, and it is thought that many casualties were inflicted." 6. A Sergeant-Major complimented a new squad of recruits. 7. Somebody read an Intelligence Summary. 8. A very high official fired the first shot to open the new rifle-range and failed to hit the bull. NOTE--(a) The Marker was not court-martialled for spreading alarm and despondency in His Majesty's forces; but (b) The quality of mercy was fearfully strained. 9. A bombing-class came back from practice without a single casualty. 10. A Subaltern got leave on compassionate grounds. He wanted to be married. 11. A Corps Commander was punctual at an inspection. And 12. It did not rain on the day of the offensive. Truly an extraordinary day. Shall we ever live to see it, I wonder? * * * * * MORE SEX PROBLEMS