Horses and cars and yachts and planes: I've no more use for such; For in three years of war's alarms I've hurried far too much; And now I dream of something sure, silent and slow and large; So when the War is over--why, I mean to buy a barge. A gilded barge I'll surely have, the same as Egypt's Queen, And it will be the finest barge that ever you have seen; With polished mast of stout pitch pine, tipped with a ball of gold, And two green trees in two white tubs placed just abaft the hold. So when past Pangbourne's verdant meads, by Clieveden's mossy stems, You see a barge all white-and-gold come gliding down the Thames, With tow-rope spun from coloured silks and snow-white horses three, Which stop beside your river house--you'll know the bargee's me. I'll moor my craft beside your lawn; so up and make good cheer! Pluck me your greenest salads! Draw me your coolest beer! For I intend to lunch with you and talk an hour or more Of how we used to hustle in the good old days of war. * * * * * The Vicar of a country parish was letting his house to a _locum tenens_, and sent him a telegram, "Servants will be left if desired." Promptly came back the reply, "Am bringing my own sermons." And now each is wondering what sort of man the other is. * * * * * "Young Man to help weigh and clean widows at chemist's shop." --_Sheffield Daily Telegraph._ To any young man who should be inclined to apply we commend the advice of _Mr. Weller, senior_, "Sammy, beware of the vidders." * * * * * [Illustration: AN ADAMLESS EDEN. _The Seated Lady_. "THE GREAT CHARM OF THIS PLACE IS ITS ABSOLUTE LONELINESS. DAY AFTER DAY ONE HAS THESE LOVELY SANDS AND SEA AND ROCKS AND SKY ALL TO ONESELF." _The Other_. "REALLY. AND HAVE YOU BEEN HERE LONG?" _Seated Lady_. "SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE WEEK." _The Other_. "AND ARE YOU GOING TO STAY IN THIS DELIGHTFUL PLACE MUCH LONGER?" _Seated Lady_. "ANOTHER TEN DAYS--UNLESS MY LANDLADY WILL LET ME OFF THE LAST WEEK."] * * * * * OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. _(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_