The First Commissioner of Oaths states that "twopenny damns" will, until further notice, be eight-pence each. * * * * * A schoolmaster in Birmingham who propounded the old question about a herring and a half costing three half-pence has been put under restraint as a dangerous lunatic. * * * * * If the information that reaches us from a little bird is correct, a boycott of sparrows is in progress, owing to their inveterate habit of saying, "Cheep! Cheep!" * * * * * Mr. HEINEMANN announces that, as a concession to modern susceptibilities, he has decided to alter the title of Mr. HERGESHEIMER'S successful novel, _The Three Black Pennys_ to _The Three Black Half-crowns._ * * * * * All guinea-pigs and guinea-fowls will from the present date onwards be two guineas. * * * * * In the best profiteering circles cigars are now lighted with spills made of one-pound, notes, instead of, as during the war, ten-shilling ones. * * * * * A well-known orchestral leader states that there is a serious movement afoot to popularise "The Dear Home Land" as an encore for the National Anthem. * * * * * The legal profession has long been concerned by the fact that lawyers' fees remain so fixed in a world given over to flux. It has now been decided that, although the fees shall remain the same, less value shall be given. For six-and-eightpence a solicitor will in future give only half his attention, by listening with only one ear. * * * * * COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. "EGGS FOR SALE. "Why go out of ---- to be swindled? Come to the ---- Poultry Farm." * * * * * "IN MY GARDEN. "April 4.--Now is a suitable time to saw sweet peas."--_Daily Mirror._ When the stalks are very strong we always use an axe. * * * * * L'ALLEGRO. Haste thee, Peace, and bring with thee Food and old festivity, Bread and sugar white as snow, The bacon that we used to know, Apples cheap, and eggs and meat, Dainty cakes with icing sweet, And in thy right hand lead with thee The mountain nymph (not much U.P.). Come, and sip it as you go, And let my not-too-gouty toe Join the dance with them and thee In sweet unrationed revelry; While the grocer, free of care, Bustles blithe and debonair, And the milkman lilts his lay, And the butcher beams all day, And every warrior tells his tale Over the spicy nut-brown ale. Peace, if thou canst really bring These delights, _do_ haste, old thing. * * * * * "WINTER SPORTS IN FRANCE.--Sledges were constructed out of empty ration-boxes, whilst the old flappers used for dispersing poison-gas from dug-outs did duty as snow-shoes."--_Daily Paper_.