SHOCKING EXPERIENCE IN OXFORD STREET OF JAMES SIMPKINS, ESQ., A LARGE EMPLOYER OF LABOUR.] * * * * * [Illustration: _He (new to the Jazz and eager to learn)._ "WHICH STEP IS THIS?"] * * * * * MISTRESS AND MAID. _(New Style)._ My wife burst into the room, her face aglow with the joy of success. "Oh, George, isn't it simply splendid?" "Absolutely top-hole, I am sure, my dear; but supposing you let me know what it's all about?" "How silly I am," she murmured as she sank into a chair. "I quite forgot I had not seen you all day, and it happened just after you left for the office. You had not been gone five minutes when Jane came up and gave notice. I determined to be firm and told her she could go when she liked, and then I marched straight off to Mrs. Smith's Registry Office. I found the dear old thing just as amiable and ready to please as ever, but she told me I must not mind if the methods of her establishment were a bit changed. In the old days, you know, we used to sit in a small room and interview the servants she wanted places for. But now the position is reversed, and the servants interview you and ask you questions. I was told to go in and see a nice-looking girl. She was not a bit shy and, after asking me to take a chair, began to put questions--our income? your profession? what other servants we kept? wages? margarine or butter in the kitchen? etc. "She seemed quite satisfied with everything until we came to the matter of her afternoons out. I said that two a week and every other Sunday was my usual custom, and that I hoped this would prove agreeable. She snapped me up at once and said she must have at least four, as well as the whole of every other Sunday. "My heart sank, because I did not see how we could possibly give her all that, so I just said how sorry I was and got up to go--in fact I was half-way to the door--when she called me back and said, 'I like your face, and perhaps for the present two afternoons and the Sunday will be enough. If you will wait a minute I will have another talk to Mrs. Smith about you,' and off she went. "It seemed ages before anyone came, and then old Mrs. Smith walked in, saying, 'I'm glad to tell you, Madam, that you have been approved of.' "Isn't it too glorious, George? You and I have been approved of. We have got a situation." * * * * * "OUT OF THE FRYING-PAN--" When, moved a few brief seasons back, To brave the battle's brunt, On Britain's shores I turned my pack And "somewhere" found a Front; Said I; as in my tympanum I heard the cannon's roar, "'Twill be a wonder if I come Impervious through the War." Yet bomb, shell, bullet and grenade Made no great hit with me; And now I'm--well, I've just been paid My war gratuity. But at the sight of civil life, If "life" it can be called, With all its agonising strife, I simply stand appalled.