"And plots. How the War simplified everything. The Zep, a failure in fact, was a splendid success in fiction. The awkward people could be wiped out so simply. Then one's villains could die gallantly--a bit of good in the worst of men, you know--whispering a hurried confession in the ears of the Company Sergeant-Major in the front trenches. "Then, again, all misunderstandings were explained when the V.C. looked up from his hospital bed. 'Eric,' she gushed, 'you here!' And from that moment he needed no more medicine. My dear fellow, we shall want new plots now; real plots and new characters. It will be a long time before I can return to my pre-war standard of strong, silent, masterful millionaires from the backwoods. Haven't I a right to seek compensation from the Government for checking my intellectual output?" "I think the Government ought to pay you ten pounds for every week in which you don't write," I said. Simmons shook me warmly by the hand. The next day he cut me dead. I believe that Simmons, though an author of popular fiction, must have been thinking. * * * * * "THE FUTURE OF LYING. "INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE TO BE CALLED." _Northampton Dally Echo._ We should have thought it might quite safely be left to private enterprise. * * * * * "The American troops on this side are already either in the States or on their way."--_Letter in "Daily Express."_ The Germans will take this as convincing evidence of American duplicity. * * * * * THE HISTORY OF A JOKE. [Illustration: BEFORE THE DAWN OF HISTORY IT WAS A UNIVERSAL FAVORITE.] [Illustration: THE EGYPTIANS LOVED IT.] [Illustration: THE ASSYRIANS NEVER GREW TIRED OF IT.] [Illustration: THE GREEKS GRINNED AT IT.] [Illustration: THE ROMANS REVELLED IN IT.] [Illustration: HENGIST OFTEN TOLD IT TO HORSA.] [Illustration: IT WAS RELISHED BY THE SAXONS.] [Illustration: THE NORMANS KNEW IT WELL.] [Illustration: IT NEVER LOST ITS FRESHNESS THROUGH THE MIDDLE AGES.] [Illustration: HENRY VIII. MADE HIS REPUTATION BY IT.] [Illustration: CHARLES II. REGALED HIS COURT WITH IT.] [Illustration: IN THE GEORGIAN ERA IT REMAINED UNDIMMED.] [Illustration: IT WAS POPULAR IN THE SIXTIES.] [Illustration: AND ONLY LAST WEEK IT WAS THE HIT OF ALL THE NEWEST REVUES.] * * * * * [Illustration: THE NEW DEMOCRACY. _Telegraph Girl (at last finding addressee after marching down the room, shouting, "Bullock! Bullock! Anybody here name o' Bullock?"--contemplatively, as she awaits answer)._ "UMPH! NOT MUCH LIKE A BULLOCK, ARE YER?"] * * * * * IN MEMORY OF DORA. (_A JOYOUS ANTICIPATION_.) Walk very softly here and very slowly; Let no sound pass the barrier of your teeth; Not that the spot whereon you tread is holy, But lest you rouse her up that lies beneath.