"WELL, 'E'S GOT A FORTNIGHT BEFORE HE GOES BACK, BUT BY THAT TIME 'E 'OPES TO BE DEMORALISED."] * * * * * FRUITS OF VICTORY. ["Unlimited lard may now be purchased without coupon."--_Daily Paper_.] Swiftly the shadow of William the Hun Fades from the fields that our valour has won; Totter the thrones of our many Controllers, Freedom is coming to man and his molars: Doomed is the coupon and doomed is the card, With all the embargos that hit us so hard; Now we may purchase unlimited lard. Soon will the mud-spattered soldier be free; Soon will the sailor be home from the sea: Victory beams on the banners of Right, This is the time to be merry and bright; Stilled is the riot of shot and of shard And (what a boon to the heart of the bard!) Now we may purchase unlimited lard. Shout for the joy of it, waving your hats; Where there are puttees will shortly be spats; Never again will we form on the right, Squad or platoon, for a sergeant's delight; So let our faces, by discipline marred, Shine with an unction that savours of nard, Now we may purchase unlimited lard. * * * * * BIG BERTHA OUTRANGED. "Two Russian battleships and some cruisers set out from Cronstadt to meet the British warships in the Baltic, and were fired on from the Flemish coast."--_Yorkshire Paper_. * * * * * "After four incessant years across Dora's knee the peace New Year ought surely to hold something good in its kindly lap for well-strafed automobilists."--_Sketch_. But after four years across Dora's knee the New Year is probably not thinking about its lap, but quite the reverse. * * * * * "The announcement of a ball in Brussels gave plenty of scope for imaginative scribes to quote, in some cases almost correctly, the lines about 'there was a scene of revelry by night.'"--"_Mr. Gossip_" in "_The Daily Sketch_." "MR. GOSSIP," too, quotes "almost correctly." * * * * * It is hoped that if M. PADEREWSKI becomes President of the new Polish Republic he will experience the truth of the old proverb, _Chi va piano va sano._ * * * * * [Illustration: _British Officer (Army of occupation)_. "LOOK OUT, OLD BEAN! WE'RE GETTING THE GLAD EYE."] * * * * * THE ARMY OF ENTERTAINMENT, LTD. As a mere soldier threatened with unemployment owing to the sudden outbreak of peace, I offer to any enterprising company-promoter an idea which should provide him with an immense fortune and myself with a congenial means of livelihood.