Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 156, Jan. 8, 1919Various
History
Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 156, Jan. 8, 1919
Various
English wit and humor -- Periodicals
If John dreamed, it was of messy farmyards and draughty fields; but it
is improbable that he dreamed at all.
They both went to the War and faced the Hun. Randle thought of the
Hun only as a possible wrecker of his career, therefore as a foe of
mankind. John hardly thought of the Hun except in the course of coming
into contact with him, and then he used his bayonet with careless
zeal.
Randle steeled himself against the rough edges of soldiering. He
allowed neither the curses of corporals nor the familiarities of
second-lieutenants to affect his dreams of the future. Always, even
_sotto voce_ in the last five minutes before going over the top, he
kept before John his vision splendid.
It was thoir luck to remain together and unhurt. Then arrived the
great day when the Hun confessed defeat. Randle vainly awaited a sign
from the Commander-in-Chief.
There came, however, a moment when No. 12 Platoon was paraded at the
Company Orderly-room. Particulars were to be taken before filling up
demobilisation forms. Men were to be grouped, on paper, according to
the nation's demand for their return to civil life.
Randle Janvers Binderbeck knew this was _der Tag_. Magnanimously he
overlooked the delay and felt that HAIG might, after all, have an
excuse. John Hodge remained placid. He had long ago classed Randle's
goadings with heavies and machine-guns, as unavoidable incidents of
warfare.
Randle and John were called into the orderly-room together. By an
obvious error John was first summoned to the table.
"Well, Hodge," said the Company Sergeant-Major, "what's your job in
civil life?"
"I dunno as I got any special job," said John. "I just sort o' helped
on the farm."
"You must have a group," said the C.S.M. "What did you mostly do
before the War?"
"S' far as that do go," said John, "I were mostly a bird-scarer."
"'Bird-scarer,'" said the C.S.M. "I know there's a heading for that
somewhere. Agricultural, ain't it? 'Bird-scarer.' Ah, here we are.
'Group 1.' You'll be one of the first for release."
The Company Clerk noted the fact, and the C.S.M. called "Next man."
Randle Janvers Binderbeck stepped forward.
"What's your job, Binderbeck?" said the C.S.M.
(To ask Lord NORTHCLIFFE, "Do you sell newspapers?" To ask BOSWELL,
"Have you heard of a man named JOHNSON?" TO ask HENRY VIII, "Were you
ever married?")
The futility of the question flabbergasted Randle.
"Come on, man," said the C.S.M.
Randle made an effort. "Journalist," he said.
"'Journalist,'" said the C.S.M., "'Journalist.' Yes, I thought so.
'Group 41.' You've got a long way to go, my lad. You'd have done
better if you was a bird-scarer, like Hodge. Them's the boys the
nation wants--Group 1 boys. You sticks in the Army for another six
months' fatigue. Next man."
That was all.
John Hodge is now soberly awaiting demobilisation, and will not have
to wait long.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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